THE GATEWAY
volume XCii number 34 « the official student newspaper al the university of alberta
+ www.gateway.ualberta.ca « thursday, 13 february, 2003
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GATEWAY PHOTOGRAPHERS
WHAT THE HECK? That’s awfully dirty! Are you dirtier than this photo? Find out by taking the Purity Test: page 12!
Grad students push for their own student centre
TINA SAWCHUK News Staff
On the heels of SUB expansion, grad- uate students want more space on campus to call their own.
The Graduate Students Association (GSA) and the Faculty of Graduate Studies and Research (FGSR) want the university to commit by 30 April to establishing a graduate studies centre in South Lab, the building directly north of the PowerPlant.
The GSA, which provides official representation and social services for graduate students, and the FGSR, which oversees and administrates graduate admissions and programs, would be the centre’s first two tenants.
“We're currently short of space for what's being operated,” said Brad Wuetherick, GSA President. “Our exec- utive works in a cube farm.”
Space was limited two years ago when the GSA and FGSR first approached University Provost and Vice-President (Academic) Doug Owram about the centre. Last year, the GSA prepared a long-range plan with Mark Dale, Dean of FGSR, and Bill Connor, Dean of Students, empha- sizing the need for more space.
Increasing numbers of graduate stub dents make space concerns urgent, said Dale. There will be over 6000 gradu- ate students in the next few years, up from 5400 currently.
“We're short of space currently for what's executive works in a cube farm.”
BRAD WUETHERICK, GSA PRESIDENT
The GSA operates out of North Lab, but has no room to offer access to their computers and colour printers, which are needed by graduate stu- dents from departments with non- existent or unavailable services. The GSA’s health plan also stalled due to space constraints, said Wuetherick.
The FGSR occupies half the main floor and one-third of the basement in the Administration building. The physical distance has created depart- mental inefficiency, said Dale.
PLEASE SEE GRAD CENTRE # PACE 3
CASA national director suspended from duties
IRA DUBINSKY The McGill Daily
MONTREAL (CUP) —Liam Arbuckle, national director of the Canadian
Alliance of Student Associations (CASA), has been temporarily sus- pended.
CASA’s board of directors, who decided to suspend Arbuckle last week, is evaluating whether he will be re- instated. The reasons for the suspen- sion have not yet been made public.
“The board is currently looking into an issue of a confidential nature,” said
Tyler MacLeod, chair of CASA's board of directors. “This is a sensitive issue.”
CASA is a national student lobby group that represents the interests of 21 post-secondary student associations from across Canada.
Arbuckle’s suspension has come as a shock to some.
“This is very surprising news. I’m relatively shocked,” said Nick Vikander, a McGill University student union executive member. “We'll have to
wait to find out more, but this is def- initely not a positive thing for the organization.”
First complaint filed in SU elections
JHENIFER PABILLANO News Editor
The first fine has been levied in the 2003 SU Elections—before the races even started.
Mat Brechtel, current Students’ Union Vice-President (Academic), was fined $75 on Tuesday for pre-cam- paigning, or campaigning before the elections, due to a 5 February CJSR interview about his successful lobby- ing efforts to extend the add/drop deadline.
The fine was officially levied on Brechtel’s campaign when he con- firmed his candidacy for SU President,
submitting a nomination package to the elections office on Wednesday. He declined to comment on the situation.
The $75 fine would eat up a large
“Tt makes a pretty strong statement as
to ‘Dont do it: Pre- campaigning is one of can do [in an election].”
ALEX TAYLOR, CHIEF RETURNING OFFICER, SU ELECTIONS
portion of Brechtel’s $600 campaign budget. It was assessed according to perceived impact by Chief Returning Officer (CRO) Alexandra Taylor, the chief official in SU elections.
“Tt makes a pretty strong statement as to ‘Don't do it.’ Pre-campaigning is one of the worst things you can do [in an election.”
Taylor filed the complaint against Brechtel, targeting his answer to the interview’s last question, which asked, “Do you think that your success with the add/drop deadline would bolster your campaign for Students’ Union president?” .
PLEASE SEE PRECAMPAIGNING * PAGE 4
nce
It was high scores all round last weekend: Bears win 5-3 and 7-4. See page 9.
End may be near for Travel CUTS lawsuit
COSANNA PRESTON
News Writer
After almost seven years of being shuffled around in the justice system, the Students Union’s lawsuit regarding Travel CUTS is finally going to see a court date in September 2003.
Six years ago, the U of A SU joined a lawsuit against Canadian Federation of Students - Services (CFS-S), a branch of the Canadian Federation of Students (CFS), a national student lobby group. The lawsuit, originally
filed by the University of Western Ontario’s Students’ Council (USC) in 1996, accuses CFS-S of illegal transfer of assets from a now dormant national student group called the Association of Student Councils - Canada (AOSC) to CFS. Travel CUTS, the student travel company, was one of those assets. The court date was set in the fall of 2002. The SU and three other plaintiffs— USC, University of British Columbia’s Alma Mater Society, and Queens’ University’s Alma Mater Society—are suing CFS-S for either the return of
Travel CUTS to AOSC, which is their preferred solution, or $100 million.
“$100 million, more than anything, is just a hugely significant number to reflect the hugely significant damage. What we are actually awarded will be up to the judge,” said SU Vice- President (Operations and Finance) Steve Smith.
In 1981, AOSC moved to have a new organization replace itself, choosing to endorse CFS as its active organization instead.
PLEASE SEE TRAVELCUTS + PAGE 2
tenaers | INSI id 27% | From the archives 165" rewtro | Tnside | Outside ff rom : the ppirodisiacs News 1-4 | Thursday Clouds emerge; CELE CLE Provost A A Ryan distributed a statement to all residences that conduct in campus “eae trast youre taking to . Love is like oxygen; High -5, Low -11 phar lounges is a concern. Ryan identified hooliganism on the rise in Lister Hall lounges where, sie Nees make that photo Opinion Friday Chance o’ flurries; Love is a many Ryan commented, “students go beyond the bounds of acceptable behaviour in their with % fellow up there (of the Sports 9-11 splendoured thing; High -10, Low -17 relationship with the opposite sex.” He also complained of trouble in Cameron Library involved with the hockey game) shift | Features 12-14 Saturday Sun and cloud mix-up; Love lift us up lounges. A week prior, vandals slashed chairs on the library's third and fifth floors . popular website your stick may be A&E 15-20 | where we belong; High -5, Low -13 Chief librarian Bruce Peel lamented “the tragedy is the damaged cloth is difficult about his hopes, made in nasty 3 z Sunday More of the same; All you need is love; to match. One of the architects, William Wood, spent weeks and dreams, and his ways. Justin Lee Comics = 22-23 High -9. Low-14 months before he found a material and pattern which satisfied him.” 1 96 5 life. Read it today fully explains. Classifieds 24 Source: Environment Canada in A&E.
NEWS
2
thursday, 13 february, 2003
THE GATEWAY
thursday, 13 february, 2003 volume XCIl number 34
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Global affairs discussions provide — real influence on federal foreign policy
SHAWN HILDEBRANDT News Writer
Your input during a series of inter- national issue seminars from the International Centre may have a very real impact on Canada’s foreign policy.
Through its agency, the Canadian Centre for Foreign Policy Development, the federal government is allocating funds to Canadian organizations wish- ing to sponsor seminars on interna- tional issues, aiming to gather public input on what direction Canada’s for- eign policy should take.
Responding to the opportunity, the International Centre is sponsoring a series of five Saturday sessions called The Edmonton Dialogues on Foreign Policy. Two dialogues have already taken place (11 January and 1 February), with three to go before the end of the semester. Similar dis- cussions are taking place across the country in such places as Winnipeg, Montréal, and Halifax.
“Foreign policy should reflect the
views of Canadians and not just [be] formulated by the government in a vacuum,” said Nancy Hannemann, the Global Education Program Coordinator at the International Centre and Chair of the dialogues.
“These sessions are all part of the process that the government should be using in formulating policy.”
The dialogues are held in a unique interactive format. First, a presentation is given by two speakers on the ses- sion’s topic. Small group discussions on the presentation follow, to develop rec- ommendations to solve problems via Canada’s foreign policy. The progress and suggestions from the small groups are recorded, and at the end of the dia- logues, will be compiled and presented to Foreign Affairs Minister Bill Graham for consideration.
For example, the first dialogue on 11 January was entitled “Governing the World Economy,” focusing on the effects of international financial institu- tions on Canada. The dialogue featured noted global finance expert Randall D Germain from the University of York
in Wales, and U of A sociology profes- sor Dr Satoshi Ikeda, who specializes in globalization issues.
“Foreign policy should reflect the views of Canadians and not just [be] formulated by the government ina
”
vacuum. NANCY HANNEMANN, GLOBAL EDUCATION
PROGRAM COORDINATOR, U OF AINTERNATIONAL CENTRE
Recommendations from the small groups included more public consulta- tions and education, and the need for a review of Canada’s membership in international financial institutions and international orders.
The second dialogue on 1 February, “Inequality as a Source of International Unrest,” focused on issues emerging
as a result of the growing gap between the rich and the poor, and featured Edgar Dosman from York University and Tom Keating from the U of A polit- ical science department. The reports recommended a wide range of such things from tax breaks for Canadians doing international work to the need for international labour standards enforcement.
The complete written conclusions from the two past sessions are expected to be posted on the International Centre’s website within a couple weeks, and the notes from future ses- sions will be published as they take place.
“The government is in for an earful,” said Hannemann.
Three more dialogues will be held in February and March on the com- mercialization of foreign policy, pos- sible responses to unrest, and Canada’s own independent foreign policy. The order and dates of the dialogues are stil] to be determined. For more informa- tion, contact the International Centre at 492-5962.
Filmmaker Ripper sticks it to mainstream media
Award-winning documentarian speaks about technique and media bias
ANDREW TOUGAS
News Writer
Award-winning documentary film- maker Velcrow Ripper spoke about his
films last Wednesday as part of the ©
English department's Culture on the Edge speaker series.
Ripper, who teaches filmmaking at BC’s Emily Carr Institute of Art and Design, discussed the making of films such as Gemini award-winner Bones of the Forest, and his recent project Scared Sacred. He also spoke about his role as a director trying to convey the messages media outlets often neglect to inform the public about, seeing himself and others as a “drop in the bucket” with their subversive mes- sages.
Ripper’s main approach to making his films is finding quality characters that can capture the audiences’ atten- tion, like Jim Gillespie, the 75-year-old logger-turned-environmental-activist featured in Bones of the Forest.
Finding characters like Gillespie is a matter of taking time and making connections, something Ripper argues larger media outlets don’t practice.
“[They] tend to blast into a place, act like they own it, try to get what- ever little stories they can, and leave in a day or two,” Ripper explained.
“There’s a funny story about CNN showing up in Kabul when the Taliban ruled the place, thinking they could do the typical CNN thing and bring out the big cameras. So their big camera was smashed, they were thrown into jail, and for the rest of the week, the Taliban could be seen driving around in this bus with a CNN logo on the side.”
Studied, focused character portraits are again at the heart of Ripper’s latest project, Scared Sacred. His motives are to visit places of mass destruction, like Auschwitz, Wounded Knee, and New
York City (the attacks came when he started filming) and find stories of hope out of the confusion and suffering.
Scared Sacred began at the turn of the millennium when doomsday scenar- ios dotted the headlines. Although not buying into current fears, global issues of poverty, environmental destruction and war bothered Ripper.
“My impulse was to run away and hide, but I knew that was ultimately impossible. So I took the opposite approach; I ran towards it.”
Ripper found stories emerging everywhere. In Afghanistan, for exam- ple, Ripper discovered a musician who was forbidden to play or listen to music. His response was to collect songbirds and keep them in his house so he could always be surrounded by music, but avoid the penalty of death.
“Don't think for a second that CNN goes in somewhere as erties; li because they are more biased than I am.”
VELCROW RIPPER, GEMINI WINNING FILMMAKER
A fierce environmentalist and animal rights activist, Ripper sees the sole motivation behind the goliath media outlets and their message as a grab for money. Ripper cites Michael Moore and The Simpsons as wildly success- ful spins on mainstream messages that are given the leeway to promote their message because they are profitable.
Mainstream media, said Ripper, panders to George W Bush, asking him to tell them what to say after 11 September, but noted that little was said of the peace demonstrations every weekend after the World Trade Center fell, even though many Americans share the sentiment that their grief should not bring war.
“Don’t think for a second that CNN goes in somewhere as objective jour- nalists,” said Ripper, “because they are more biased than I am.”
LAUREN JENNINGS Ownership of Travel CUTS is under dispute in a lawsuit launched by four
Canadian univeristy student unions, including the U of A Students’ Union.
Lawsuit claims Travel CUTS transfer was illegal
TRAVEL CUTS * CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1
However, AOSC still existed with members in an inactive state, includ- ing the U of A SU and USC, and while many AOSC members joined the CFS, the U of A SU was never a full member of the organization.
By 1987, a motion was passed at the AOSC Annual General Meeting to transfer all assets to CFS. The motion said Travel CUTS would be transferred by July 1988, but Smith said the trans- fer did not happen until November 1991. Since it did not happen by the set date, the suit claims that AOSC still legally owns Travel CUTS.
Smith said the SU may not have even known about the AOSC general meet- ing.
“We have no evidence that we were given notice of that AOSC [Annual General Meeting]. We are not neces- sarily alleging that we weren't given notice, but we don’t have the evidence that we were,” he said.
The biggest problem, according to Smith, was that CFS’ board of directors was supposedly the board of directors for AOSC as well. As a board for both organizations, they have the obliga- tion to act in the best interests of both groups, but Smith argued that by transferring assets from AOSC to CFS, the board acted only in the best inter- ests of CFS.
Response from CFS was limited as
the suit is currently in progress, but CFS Director of Programmes Philip Link said the CFS remains confident they have done nothing wrong.
“We think that it’s unfortunate that students’ money is being used in this way, and that if the U of A wanted to have a stake in the running of Travel CUTS, they should do what other stu- dents’ associations do and join CFS,” he added.
“We're closer to the end now than I think we are to the beginning, Do I see it settled soon? Well, soon is a relative term, I guess.”
STEVE SMITH, SU VICE-PRESIDENT (OPERATIONS & FINANCE)
Smith says the evidence for the case has been compiled and is ready to go to court in September but also noted they are still trying to settle out of court and avert the date altogether. The U of ASU has spent about $40 000 on the lawsuit to date.
“We're closer to the end now than! think we are to the beginning. Do I see it settled soon? Well, soon is a relative term, I guess.”
THE GATEWAY + volume XCH number 34
NEWS
3
STREETERS
Roses are red
Violets are blue Valentines Day can
be horrid
Does your life suck too?
What was your worst Valentine's Day experience?
.
Skye Perry Drama (Stage Management) |
| got back together with this guy | had broken up with, and Valentine’s Day was our anniversary, so we'd already had everything on the romance checklist planned. Then he proposed marriage to me, which was the most horrible thing ever. So on Valentine's Day | got to say no, and it was godawful. | was 21 then: now I'm ancient, and celebrating not Valentine's day, but February 15, the day chocolate goes on sale!
Crystal Anschetz Science |
| don't really have one, but the one | do remember is when my boyfriend went away for a week, and he said he got
mea surprise, and he told me where it was, and it was a chocolate bar. | was like, “You're an asshole!” [| would have wanted] anything but a chocolate bar. How impersonal is that? It was a Kit Kat!
Tyler Foster Physics PhD
It’s going to be this Friday, because I’ve been with my girlfriend twelve years, and | have to leave this Friday for work
in BC. So she’s not too happy about it, and neither am I. I’m coming back in two weeks, the week after reading week. It sucks. | had to do it last summer for three months, and that was hard.
Clay Summer Arts |
(er
| bought someone some roses, and the girl got all poked up by them, and then they fell apart, and it was just horrible. it was funny though. And then the girl snapped at me. She was like, “What were you doing?” and | was like, “I don’t know.” | think they were $5 for 20 roses. They were kind of stolen too, but | didn’t steal them. |just bought them stolen. |was 16, and she didn’t dump me right after, but pretty close. [The rose incident] led up to
it, 'm sure. | did it because I'm a cheap bastard,
Compiled and photographed
by May Yip and Matt Frehner
NIKBOLIANATZ |
HIGH HOPES GSA President Brad Wuetherick wants a campus grad centre.
GSA hopes to build
grad centre in two years
Upcoming GSA elections will ask students for $3.50 fee to offset renovation costs
GRAD CENTRE * CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1
With the new centre, graduate stu- dents will benefit from increased con- venience of consolidated services, Dale said. “It’s like one-stop shopping.”
The GSA wants the centre estab- lished in South Lab, which now houses labs, student clubs, and graduate stu- dents’ offices, but several groups are vying for the space. A graduate stud- ies centre has been estimated to cost $2.5 to $3 million. Another proposal to install more labs would total $8 to $10 million.
Lack of funding, however, has impeded the GSA’s progress so far. “I would be ecstatic if the centre was built within 12 to 18 months. Realistically,
we're looking at over two years,” said Wuetherick. The GSA expects to pay
15-20 per cent of renovation costs. Funds may also come from the Infrastructure Renewal Envelope, which provides for the upkeep of buildings. Since funding is unavail- able from the FGSR and the Dean of Students’ office, the GSA needs private sponsorship to cover half the centre's cost—about $1 to $1.5 million.
The upcoming GSA election includes a referendum asking students whether
they support a $3.50 fee per semester, to go toward immediate resources and the centre’s future construction.
Sade Adebiyi, the GSA representative for the Chemical Engineering Graduate Association, will vote no.
“All grad students are short of money, but this would be value for their money.”
MARK DALE, DEAN, FACULTY OF GRADUATE STUDIES & RESEARCH
“People are already paying through the nose,” she said, citing costs such as dental plans, tuition, and textbooks. She expressed concern about a com- pulsory fee, explaining thatnotall grad
students use GSA services equally. “[A }
compulsory fee] would be unjust.”
But Dale argued that extra cost to the students is worth it, as the centre would allow the GSA and FGSR to work more closely and use students’ money more efficiently.
“All grad students are short of | money, but this would be value for |
their money.”
GSA NOTES
+ The official objectives of the Graduate Students’ Association are to:
- Provide official representation for members within and outside the University of Alberta via commit- tees, councils and the media
- Promote the general welfare of members
- Serve and further the intellectual, cultural, social, and recreational activities of its members
- Represent all academically employed graduate students
+ The GSA consists of six executive
members and representatives of all departments that offer graduate programs.
+ Elections for this year’s GSA Executive will be from 12-13 February, 2003.
+ Each department is represented by council members, according to the number of students enrolled in the department. Council members are expected to attend monthly council meetings and to inform the gradu- ate students in their departments of GSA activities.
Source: www.ualberta.ca/~gsa/
eee UNIVERSITY OF ALBERTA
EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY RESEARCH ANALYST
The Research Analyst will work in conjunction with the Executive Policy and Information Officer to research, review and analyze
{ institutional, provincial, and federal budgets on both a holistic level and a departmental level. This review requires the ability to analyze and compare the budgets of various institutions, within the Alberta government and within the federal government, as well as to an institution's or government's own financial records from past years.
»
* be a U of A undergraduate student
* strong research/writing skills essential and understanding of financial information and how to analyze such information
¢ ability to work in a diplomatic/credible manner
$924/month — 20 hours/week
Please submit a cover letter and resume to: Val Stewart, Personnel Manager Suite 2-900 SUB, U of A Campus Edmonton, Alberta T6G 2J7 e-mail: val.stewart@su.ualberta.ca
February 20th 2003. Interviews during week of February 24th
~ Closing Date: Only shortlisted contacted
If you would like to review all Students’ Union job postings, they can be found at this website: www.su.ualberta.ca/work/sujobs
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NDP leadership hopefuls mostly alike in debates
Candidates focus on new strategies to renew party image and to take effective action; part two ofa two-part series
CAITLIN CRAWSHAW News Writer
Fourth-year political science student Caitlin Crawshaw visited the NDP fed- eral convention two weeks ago as a student delegate, watching as the party elected a new leader and developed its policy. This is the second part of a two-part series on the experience.
Perhaps one of the most surprising things about the convention was the considerable time devoted to finish- ing party business. During all three days of the convention, party mem- bers from all walks of life debated and voted on amendments to the party's policies, from the NDP stance on Iraq to the time allotted for each person to speak on a resolution. Many delegates came and went during these times, getting food or using the washroom, but for the most part, people stuck around to participate.
On Friday, after several hours of pol- icy-making, convention-goers were rewarded with a leadership debate in the evening—arguably the highlight of the day and a welcome change of pace. Delegates were served dinner as the six candidates launched into a lively but polite debate.
Throughout the debate (and the weekend, for that matter) the tall orange and blue “JACK” placards were waving to-and-fro while Toronto city councillor Jack Layton’s supporters cheered loudly, regardless of the can- didate speaking. Remarkably, there was little to no heckling, despite the ideological splits within the party and the very different approaches taken by a few of the leadership hopefuls.
Feminist and socialist candidate Bev Meslo spoke of returning to the par- ty’s labour roots and “turning left” ideologically.
“We must remember that we are a party of labour,” she argued ardently. “If we don't, we're just another liberal party.”
But Meslo was not received as warmly as the other candidates. Passionately emphasizing every word of her speech, the crowd seemed to grow weary of her reactionary ora- tory. I was surprised to learn later that most of the unions at the conven- tion supported NDP House Leader Bill Blaikie, Layton and other candidates with a focus on using new strategies.
Pierre Ducasse, the associate pres- ident of the NDP, also stood out as
CAITLIN CRAWSHAW
LAYTON’S LEGION OF FANS Jack Layton supporters waved their placards all weekend in support of his bid for the NDP’s top job.
a candidate advocating very different strategies for the party. However, he possessed a certain charisma and ora- tory which kept the crowd interested, myself included.
Emphasizing the importance of developing a reputation for the NDP as a fiscally responsible party, Ducasse said, “We must present a proposal which is radical in its aims, but prac- tical in its application. ... Focusing on the economy does not make someone right wing.”
“The future is what we must be looking to, and we must be looking to win. ... It’s time we take risks, it’s time we look to impossible goals and achieve them.”
JOE COMARTIN, ONTARIO NEW DEMOCRAT MP AND NDP LEADERSHIP CANDIDATE
For the most part, candidates stressed adopting new strategies to win over Canadians, rather than returning to old ways. Party renewal was perhaps the most important issue, echoing in the speeches of all six can- didates. bs
Joe Comartin, an Ontario New Democrat MP, brought cheers from the crowd when he emphatically declared, “The future is what we must be looking to, and we must be look- ing to win. ... It’s time we take risks, it’s time we look to impossible goals and achieve them.”
Saskatchewan New Democrat MP Lorne Nystrom put the same idea into different words, arguing, “Our party's
on the move, our party's on the go. We're back, we have momentum.”
Outside differences in strategy, it became apparent the candidates were more alike than different on domestic and international concerns.
On issues such as Iraq, Canadian sovereignty, the environment, and the state of Canadian communities, the candidates held the same strong con- victions. The pending war in Iraq, for instance, was opposed vehemently by each candidate.
The candidates also criticized the Canadian and American governments in depth over Canada’s loss of sover- eignty to American hegemony. Each candidate took the issues seriously, possessing an authenticity that left large cracks in my skepticism.
Friday evening, I left the debate warmed by the passion and integrity of the candidates, but terribly con- flicted. At another debate the next morning, Pierre Ducasse made a very moving speech which almost brought him to tears, making the choice even harder.
In the end, I chose the candidate who appeared to have a knack for gaining media attention, which the party sorely needs. Yes, I voted for media-darling Jack Layton.
Layton of course, won the race, but as cliché as it sounds, each of the can- didates “won” in a sense.
Each contributed enormously to the party, and all of them were impres- sively well-informed and articulate. At the end of the weekend, I left the convention with a renewed interest and faith in Canadian politics, and with a bit of hope in a political cli- mate that breeds despair and apathy. For that matter, I left my cynicism on a squashy streetcar several provinces away.
CJSR reporter will defend Brechtel if he appeals
PRECAMPAIGNING * CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 CJSR’s news program aired an edited answer containing just the first part of Brechtel’s response, a long pause and the phrase, “That’s an interesting question.” The interviewer, CJSR news intern Sherisse Szymczak, then made it clear that Brechtel provided a full answer, but it was edited out at his request after he consulted the CRO. Taylor, however, asked CJSR to let her hear the unedited version of the interview, and concluded the full response constituted pre-campaigning. Brechtel’s additional comments said the success of the add/drop extension might be favourable to him, as it affected the whole campus and was
“He could have said whatever he wanted. [had the freedom to ask [the question] and ° he had the freedom to answer it, or not.”
SHERISSE SZYMCZAK, CJSR NEWS INTERN
a demonstration of his hard work paying off, said Taylor.
Even if that portion was unaired, Taylor said the response was pre- campaigning because interviewer
Szymczak was an undergraduate stw: dent whose vote could be swayed .
For her part, Szymezak says she wil speak in defense of Brechtel if he appeals the ruling, as Taylor expects Pre-campaigning was not an_ issu during the interview, she said.
“T wasn't acting as a student when! was talking to him, I was acting as? CJSR reporter,” she said.
Szymezak considers her questio! a valid inquiry, despite the reactio? it gathered. His response, she said, wasn't dictated by the query.
“He could have said whatever ht wanted, I had the freedom to ask it ant he had the freedom to answer it,
”
not.
OPINION -
managing@gateway.ualberta.ca + thursday, 13 february, 2003
Were awfully quick to jump on Jackson
I WOULDN'T EXACTLY call myself a fan of Michael Jackson.
Sure, I appreciated Thriller, grooved to Bad, and even bought a copy of Invincible. I gained a sort of quiet respect for him after watching the Oprah interview many years ago, and have always believed him to be a gentle soul, full of good intentions, yet lacking in social skills.
And I still think he may be just that, although most of us find it impossible to believe he’s nothing but pure and innocent at heart. He's childlike in his simplistic, optimistic view of the world.
Which was why watching Michael Jackson defend himself against a barrage of direct, searing questions was such a painful thing to witness during last Thursday's 20/20 documentary by British journalist Martin Bashir. Bedtime stories, warm milk, sharing beds with children. I watched in stunned silence, shaking my head. The journalist in me sided with Bashir, trying to get explanations to fulfill the general public’s interest. I wanted to know why Michael con- sidered what he was doing to be normal, and I was curious to see Jackson defend his love of children, his strange change of appearance, and his various well- publicized eccentricities.
But after a while, I started to lose patience with the premise of the interview. The problem is, and perhaps always will be, that Jackson simply isn’t capable of seeing the big, suspicious, cynical picture. Asking him why he doesn’t see anything wrong with a grown man hanging out with children is like asking a child about diplomatic relations in the Far East. It’s simply outside of their realm of thinking.
During the interview, I had to confront my own cynicism head on. Was he actually saying what I thought he was saying? Why was I having such a hard time believing that sleeping with children didn’t mean sleeping with children? Why did I want to believe that he was a deviant, preying on the young? All the images said the opposite, showing him as a kind, though very awkward, host, excitedly playing with children, visibly happy to be giving them a tour of Neverland. I kept searching for subtexts, looking for the hidden meanings in everything he said. But in the end, I felt disgusted with myself.
It would have been easy to dismiss the whole inci- dent, but I just couldn’t help feeling sorry for the guy. Yes, he certainly has issues to work through. And yes, it's easy to see how people could consider him creepy, strange, and troubled. But why are we so quick to judge him based on our own understandings of social norms? Why are we so reluctant to believe Jackson’s claims of kind-heartedness and benevolence? Have we become so suspicious of innocence in adults that we now believe it to be impossible?
So, when all is said and done, I’m not sure which is more disturbing: Jackson’s strange obsession with children, or the fact that our society has somehow lost the ability to even consider the possibility of pure, non-sexual love between Jackson and his young visitors.
IAIN ILICH Production Editor
SimCity ruins very real lives
Th WORLD OF SIMULATED GAMES HAS INVADED the offices of the Gateway and there are a few things we've learned as a result:
It's dangerous to ignore the citizens of your town. They'll riot, or worse, they'll sick some sort of bizarre robot-alien on the town. If you don’t spend money on police, there’s a pretty good chance Partytown, USA will suffer the most violent carnage since that meltdown caused by a wily Editor-in-Chief:
But there are more important lessons to learn: videogames ruin lives.
ADAM ROZENHART Entertainment Editor
LETTERS
It's the truth: church can bring joy
In response to last week’s letter to the editor (“I disagree with Blair,” Leah Ungstad, 4 February), I’d like to point out that not everyone who goes to church is Christian. Not all Christians gotochurch.Godis every- where, not contained between the walls of churches. But for me and most of the Christians | know, church is an important part of faith because it provides these same things—encouragement, dis- cussion and friendship. | know how easily selfish concerns can weigh you down, despite your best inten- tions. It’s possible to study at home, but if you want to be rid of distrac- tions, won't you go to the library? Church is a time when you can just focus on God, a weekly reminder that He'll never abandon you.
Leah mentioned that this “enlight- enment” is not “guaranteed.” Nothing is truly guaranteed in any institution. Attending church isn’t what promises a changed life, rather making the personal decision to dedicate your life to God. It’s called faith, and it’s as internal as it gets.
She also said “most people who buy religion get lost in the technical- ities and personal politics of need- ing to belong.” | don’t know about “most people,” but the ones I've met are not Christians because of politics, money or prestige. With the separation of church and state, the number of churchgoers has cer- tainly diminished. But the cool thing about today’s church is that people choose to worship God. That’s what it should have been about all along.
|don’t know what kind of bedtime stories she was told, but | wouldn't exactly call Christianity a “pretty story.” There’s nothing pretty about death. What Jesus did was heart- breaking, terrifying, earth-changing, and ultimately joyful.
“So, why bother?” Look around at the people who are joyful, whether it’s Blair or the old lady who has gone to church for 60 years—and ask them why they bothered.
KARI TROGEN Artsi
Relationship with God ‘cannot be covered’ by ‘religion’ alone
This is in response to Leah Ungstad’s letter (“I disagree with Blair,’ 4 February) about the “I agree with Blair” posters around campus.
By Leah’s standards | am a believer of a “religion,” but that’s not how | view myself. My relationship with God is a personal one, with highs and lows, and cannot be covered by the umbrella of “religion.” Yes, there is a “leap of faith” involved, and | am putting my confidence in one story about a “dead guy.” But from my experience, He’s not dead.
Now, | am not in favour of running with the pack and blindly following other people's beliefs, solagree with Leah on one point: “What you've got to dois be your own dog.” But, Leah, you might be surprised at where your journey takes you. God can be funny that way.
JEENA THOMAS Occupational Therapy til
oe es |
le
Let's boycott clubs that racially profile
Last week | bought a ticket for a fundraiser my class was having for a charity. It was being held at one of the “Top 4o” clubs in town—it was not my scene, but it was for charity and my friends were going. | arrived at the bar before 11pm to find some of my non-white friends freezing their arses off outside. They informed me it was because they had failed to produce three pieces of government-issued photo ID that would validate their exis- tence as human beings and allow them entry.
You know, a passport, a gun regis- tration (can it get more ironic?) and the like. But | also noticed that the white kids from my class were cruis- ing in with just their ticket and their license. Needless to say, we headed to a place where all of our friends were welcome.
Now, | know I'm not the first (and sadly, probably not the last) to write a letter in disgust regarding the racial profiling that goes on. At first | was pretty angry that | could not publish the name of the bar in order to avoid getting slapped with a law- suit, as it seems the lawis on the side of the perpetrators on this one.
The aims of this letter are as fol- lows: first, to implore all student groups to think first before decid- ing to attach their name to that of an establishment that keeps racism alive and thriving in our community. And second, to give everyone the heads up that if they are planning on throwing a party like this one, either be sure to invite only your white friends, or get those damn guns reg- istered.
SHEILA CADDY Medicine |
Federal government about to do some
nasty dealings
Leaked documents obtained by the Council of Canadians reveal that on 31 March, 2003, represen- tatives of our federal government will secretly indicate how much of our sovereignty they are willing to give up in order to broaden the General Agreement on Trade and Services.
If adopted, the Agreement could open up, for sale to foreign corpo- rations, critical public services and crown corporations in such fields as education, health care, electric- ity, gas, water and sewage, telecom- munications, auto insurance, liquor outlets and perhaps even postal services. As authority for many of the services the federal govern- ment may trade away lies with provincial governments, provincial consent would be required. This should be no problem in those prov- inces where government ideology is free-market driven.
In Alberta, we now know how deregulation and privatization can
Wa
make heating, electricity and tele- phone bills escalate to accommo- date profits of private corporate shareholders.
As we go about our daily lives distracted by threats of terrorism, our federal and provincial politi- cians attend trade meetings in vari- ous locations around the world and gradually negotiate away our sov- ereign control over essential public services, moving us from a parlia- mentary democracy to a corporate- boardroom dictatorship.
WILLIAM DASCAVICH Vegreville, Alberta
Bear Tracks deserves a horrid grade
The propaganda of the U of A has to stop. Anyone who has taken a course in design can see that Bear Tracks is a complete failure, and there is no reason for its shortcom- ings other than that the U of Amade a terrible mistake.
| have personally seen and worked on similar systems designed in no more than six weeks, for free, by four undergraduates, that was supe- rior in every respect. These systems were designed with users in mind, to cater to them and ensure ease of use and functionality.
Beartracks, clearly, was not.
Many professional database sup- ported online services, such as eBay.comandAmazon.com,doclose temporarily to run batch jobs like Bear Tracks, they only close for a fraction of the time, though, and do not return various errors to users or lockout their accounts while the batch is running. This feat is accom- plished while securing personal and security information for millions of users, compared to the U of A's rela- tively meager 50000.
If Bear Tracks were a project writ- ten in a course, it would receive the elusive two that it deserves.
JON STOECK
Computing Sciences Ill
More flack for ‘moronism-spouting article by André
Concerning Chris André’s article, “Learn how to cross the street, buddy,” printed on 4 February:
Good God, you sound like such an ass! It seems you are less con- cerned with the possibility of injur- ing a pedestrian than you are the possibility of any personal incon- venience should an accident occur. Your self-centred moronism speaks volumes about your attitude.
The most disturbing part of your article is not your hatred for pedes- trians (people probably should be more careful when crossing the street) but your automatic assump- tion that those with cars are entitled to drive mindlessly to and fro, slack- jawed and smirking in their personal, gassy, greed-pods. Owning a vehicle does not lift one above others; it is a
BEAR em CRAPS
privilege accompanied by an obliga- tion to drive responsibly. Pedestrians should always be placed above drivers. Those who drive to school are polluting our earth, draining city coffers, encour- aging urban sprawl, laziness and self- ishness. Pedestrians, however, are benign. Many people choose to commute on foot, realizing its envi- ronmental, economic and health benefits; they don’t deserve death threats from dullard motorists in return for their thoughtfulness. Most Edmontonians, unfortu- nately, are mesmerized by their cars. They rank them among vital organs and family members in terms of importance. | feel this must change if Edmonton is to improve as a city. Please, ignore André's self-serving ramblings, and choose to improve. Walk, bike, run or take the bus as muchas youcan.And while you're at it, give the Citizen’s Action Centre a ring and tell them you want a better transit system. Finally, if you must drive, leave your pissed-off attitude at home. Here's to hoping gas goes up ten dollars a litre.
ALEX HINDLE Artst
“Where are all the boys?’
My letter to the editor is entitled “Where are all the boys?” because | am in elementary education— there are no boys. Oh wait! Maybe there are three, but they usually are married or have serious girlfriends.
Anyway, | see all these good-look- ing guys around campus andas soon as | leave the University, they are gone, so my letter is entitled “Where are all the boys?” because | would like to know where all these guys go once school is over.
| also have a suggestion, taken from an old campus newspaper calledthe Touque. They pretty much played matchmaker for single uni- versity students. People would send in pictures, what they look for in a person of the opposite sex, their interests and then the paper would set people up. Later, the people who were set up would write a piece on how their date went.
Since university is supposed to be the prime time to meet someone, | think this would be a great idea!
MACKENZIE WILEY Education IV
Letters to the editor should be dropped off at room 3-04 of the Students’Union Building, or e-mailed to managing @gateway.ualberta.ca.
The Gateway reserves the right to edit letters for length and clarity, and to refuse publication of any letter it deems racist, sexist, libelous, or otherwise hate- fulinnature.
Letters to the editor should be no longer than 350 words, and should indludethename, student identification number, program, and year of study of the author, to be considered for publica- tion.
thursday, 13 february, 2003
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THURSDAY.FEBRUARY.1 3.02
Valentines makes my head go POW!
CHRIS ANDRE
I love Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t always this way though, as not so long ago, Valentine’s Day started driving me crazy. Literally. The stress of dealing with loneliness in the annual “season of love” led to yearly bouts of tem- porary insanity. Not the sudden pan- icked psychosis that occurs around exam time, but more of a slow descent into delirium that begins around 10 February with an increasing dislike of joyful activity.
That seems odd doesn’t it? Well, of course—crazy isn’t supposed to make sense.
Normal people would probably try to forget about being, and maybe for- ever being, utterly alone by going out with friends, partying, drinking, or whatever it is normal people do.
Not me though. I hated fun. Reclusiveness was the name of my game. I’d engage in movie marathons, never leaving the couch. I'd boggle my mind with such timeless puzzles as, “Why can’t I be smooth like Patrick
Swayze in Dirty Dancing?” and “Tom Cruise is a midget; why do the ladies love him?”
I'd then loudly accuse my cat of scaring away women. In public, I'd try to remain calm. I began thinking my friends were conspiring against me. I'd make notes in my notebook: “12:13am Kent says hi... that two-faced son of a bitch.”
In public, I'd try to remain calm. I began thinking my friends were conspiring against me. I'd make notes in my notebook: “12:13am Kent says hi—that two-faced son of a bitch.”
These trends continued until about the thirteenth. After thwarting the conspiracy against me, I'd be left with no friends at all. In a final act of desperation, I’d attempt to contact any girl who had ever given me a Valentine’s card, beginning with my first-grade classmates. When that fiasco was over, I'd make reservations at both
Characters and the Créperie for no particular reason. An hour later, I'd cancel both. More confrontations with the cat would ensue.
Finally, on the fourteenth itself, my madness would hit its low. I'd believe I was a random ’80s television char- acter. And though ’80s-sitcom-charac- ter schizophrenia sounds like a lot of fun, most people aren't amused when you set yourself down at their inti- mate dinner, introducing yourself as Alex P Keaton.
Fortunately, after the big day passed, my sanity would return and I could continue with my normal schedule of terrorizing pedestrians on my way to school. This year, however, things are different. This year, I’m sane, I’m sure of it. This year I love Valentine’s Day. Why? 'Cause I conjured me up a lady, Yes sir, this year I won't be canceling those reservations. I’m in for a grand day of romance. Ill be a veritable Don Juan. Yippee!
Of course, not everybody is happy about my day of love. My friends insist on putting down my girlfriend, call- ing her fake. I don’t know what they're trying to get at when they say, “She's a figment of your imagination” and “Seek help,” nor do I care. Call me crazy, but I think they're just jealous.
Did I mention I love Valentine’s day?
JERED STUFFCO
the announcement, “University to establish online regis- tration system.” I welcomed the news with a joy normally reserved for the arrival of a new family member or a new Guns ‘n’ Roses record.
“Finally,” I thought, “the U of A is pulling its proverbial head out of its proverbial ass!” I thought the estab- lishment of Bear Tracks would usher in a new age of technological effi- ciency, reliability and convenience. I had visions of our University, bathed in white light, taking its rightful place among the world’s great centres of learning.
Then I tried to pick my classes.
Never have I “surfed” a site so hard to navigate, so poorly designed or so unresponsive. Prince Henry the Navigator couldn’t find his way around this hulking piece of information- superhighway road kill. You’d think the U of A, whose Computing Science department was created waaaay back in 1965 and whose engineering pro- gram is nationally renowned for the quality of its graduates and research would be able to muster something a little better than this. Even the Edmonton Public Transit System, infa- mous for its inefficiency and incom- petence, has a better website than the Bear Tracks system.
And the name: Bear Tracks. Bear Tracks? Who came up with that one? More like Bear Craps... or Shit Tracks... or Shit Shits... Do bears shit on the Internet? They do now.
Honestly, over the Christmas break, I spent at least two hours trying to change one class via Bear Tracks, and if I'm going to spend two hours online, I assure you that my intention is not picking classes. As a show of protest, I picked my classes via the old-school, touch-tone rocking, telephone regis- tration system and was amazed at the
I remember
speed this was accomplished at. Sure, it was archaic and old fashioned, but at least it got the job done.
Then, last week I heard the news that the old telephone registration system was being completely jettisoned in favour of Bear Tracks.
My first response was disbelief: How could they do this to us? How could I have let this happen? As disbelief became anger and anger gave way to frustration and rage, I felt a stirring in my bosom. A sense of great sadness began to rise up within my heart.
And the name: Bear Tracks. Bear Tracks? Who came up with that one? More like Bear Craps... or Shit Tracks... or Shit Shits... Do bears shit on the Internet? They do now.
In desperation, I called 492-4000 to see if it was really true. Sure enough, the system was gone. I cried out to the heay- ens, “Rod, why have you forsaken me?”
This well-deserved beating goes to an ignorant woman in my linguistics class. While we were discussing mid- term answers in class, she suggested that | didn’t know what | was talking about because | was not a native speaker of English.
Now, arguably, that may well have been true, but since it was the first time | ever conversed with her, | had to question where she got that idea from. Was it my horrible foreign accent or my broken sentence struc- ture? Considering that English is the language | grew up with, it is safe to rule out those possibilities.
So, it must have been that | do not
Rest in peace, telephone registration
Truly, to use a cliché, you don't know what you've got till it’s gone. Accordingly, I'd like to take this oppor- tunity to bid farewell to the once proud Telephone Registration System:
I'm gonna miss you, Telephone Registration System... Sure, we had our ups and our downs. It’s funny y'know, I never thought I'd be lamenting your departure at all. God knows I used to spend hours cursing at you at the top of my lungs, pressing the “#” key until my fingers bled, only to have you respond calmly with:
“T'M_SORRY... WE... DIDN'T... CATCH... THAT... ‘PLEASE... ENTER... THE... TERM ... FOR. WHICH YOU... WISH TO... REGISTER.”
Yes, I know I used to hang up on you without choosing the “ist” func- tion, and sometimes I'd even hang up without even exiting the system! But I always called you back and you never denied me... (unless, of course, it was after 9pm Monday through Friday or 5pm on weekends).
I'll miss those afternoons we spent together, just the two of us... I'll miss your strong, sweet voice mouthing the words, “WELCOME TO THE... UNIVERSITYOF ALBERTA... STUDENT REGISTRATION SYSTEM.”
Good night, sweet prince.
“look” Canadian to her. | have neither blonde hair nor blue eyes; therefore, | must not be a native English speaker, apparently.
Wow, thanks for the insight!
Those who pass uninformed judg- ment will appear just that—unin- formed.
Since multiple ethnicities is not a foreign idea in Canada, | hope that, for most people, acknowledging the possibility that people of different ethic backgrounds can have Enlish as a mother tongue will not be such a for- eign concept.
May YIP
The Burlap Sack is a semi-regular fea- ture where a person or group who needs to be put ina sack and beaten is ridiculed in print. No sack beatings are actually administered.
ne ee ed
SP a cm RE
JHE GATEWAY + volume XCH number 34
OPINION
1
Aphrodisiacs aren't that innocent
JUSTIN LEE
Despite all the supposed romance and love floating in the air this time of the year, many of us will still be reach- ing for a little something extra, in the form of aphrodisiacs, to spice up our evenings.
They've been around as long as sex has, and they come in various forms, some perhaps stranger to our Western culture than others. Who here is above consuming a special dish of oysters and a nice glass (or two) of bubbly, if it leads to a potentially more pleasurable session in the sack? Unsure what to make for that special dinner? A shared plate of spaghetti a la Lady and the Tramp? Asparagus or any other phal- lic veggie? A voluptuous curvy vanilla poached pear for dessert?
Instead, how about some seal penis?
Over in Newfoundland, the harp seal hunt is popping its head up again for its yearly dose of debate and con- troversy. I bring up the seal hunt because of major objections towards part of the hunt’s justification, namely the marketing of seals’ sex organs as aphrodisiacs in Asia.
Now, disregarding any extraneous points such as the method of the seal hunt, for face value, why are people here shocked and appalled when they realize there is a market in Asia for such aphrodisiacs? Are we so cul- turally superior in our Viagra-fuelled society that any other natural source of randiness or medication is considered archaic and backward? It is not only insulting to those people and their cul- tural practices, but it also does noth- ing but entrench ignorant notions and pushes our own pedestals higher. It is likely too easy, subconsciously or oth- erwise, to assume that as citizens of the economic First World, our society and culture are the most progressive. After all, why does it seem that every- one wants to be more Western?
We often look upon cultural differ- ences, in this case sexual stimulation, condescendingly, and haphazardly determine that the presence of such an aphrodisiac market will spell the
extinction of those cute media-friendly seals. Now I'm no political, environ- mental, or animal welfare expert, but let’s say we hada discussion about alter- natives to seal genitalia. Something safe and not animal-based, something that we use/eat a lot of and has no harmful side effects. Something like chocolate?
' Well then, this is where that discus- sion abruptly must stop and some anal- ysis done on ourselves. Ever wonder where chocolate comes from?
Physically abused, exposed to pesticides and herbicides, paid nothing, these children are slaves to our society's
massive chocolate
consumption.
Contrary to popular belief, there are no cacao trees in Belgium or Switzerland. Roughly 70 per cent of world cacao production happens in West Africa, places like Nigeria, Ghana, Cameroon, and Cote d'Ivoire.
According to the International Institute of Tropical Agriculture, a UN-funded organization, close to 300 000 children are used as cheap and
expendable slave labour to grow and harvest the cash crop. That's just for those four named countries. Physically abused, exposed to pesticides and her- bicides, paid nothing, these children are slaves to our society's massive choc- olate consumption. Fortunately, there are attempts currently in progress (the Harkin-Engel Protocol, for example) to recognize slave-free fair trade choc- olate, but like coffee, it’s the consum- er’s dollar and conscience that makes the final choice.
But, back to seals. In 2002, the Canadian Department of Fisheries quota for the annual seal hunt was 275 000 animals. While in many ways it is unfair to compare the two dif- ferent cases to each other, numerically speaking, the order of magnitude is comparable. We are rightly concerned about the survival of the seal popu- lation in Canada, but we ignore the lives of hundreds of thousands of chil- dren half a world away. How can we condemn or mock the consump- tion of others when we directly abuse through our own consumer power? It’s a two-way street, kids.
I don’t have any hard answers to these questions, but the next time you snicker or gag at the thought of ingest- ing a seal’s testicle or protest the annual seal hunt, think of how much that box of Bernard Callebaut you ate may have really cost.
And as for this weekend, go rut till the cows come home.
poweatendr TOP TEN
Signs the new guy at the office is actually a pirate 10 _ Prefers hook hand and sword to hole-punch and paper cutter. g Asks you how to “swab” the pornography off the “deck” of his office
computer.
8 You catch him stealing office supplies and stashing them in a
wooden chest under his desk.
7 Inquires whether the company’s health benefits cover scurvy, and
eye-patches.
6 Hasa habit of kidnapping interns and forcing them to man his
cubicle.
5 TheHuman Resources people have a little talk with him about calling
co-workers “wenches.”
4 \satotal failure at handling all corporate affairs, with exception of
the Captain Morgan's account.
3 Always makes a mess of the Xerox machine while copying old
treasure maps.
2 The legal department goes apeshit after finding out all of the software he uses is pirated by default. 1 Pushes the boss out of a window at knifepoint and takes over the
company.
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8 — OPINION
thursday, 13 february, 2003
Are we fulfilling our obligations?
JAGDEEP DHADLI
I've won the lottery. And, guess what—so have you. I'm not talking about the weekly draw on a cable access channel, with some low-rent Don Whitman calling out numbers kind of lottery. I'm talking about the living-in-good-ol’-North-America- with-some-money-in-your-pocket kind of lottery.
I think you'd be pretty hard pressed to argue that we're not in a fortunate position, especially when compared to a large proportion of other humans on this little planet of ours: quality education, forums for political dissent, clean drinking water, an adroit health care system, and hot weather ladies on local TV stations.
But here's the deal: does this super- lative position fill us middle-class col- lege folk with an obligation? And by that I mean, should we help those less fortunate if for no other reason than we have it better? It seems the major- ity of us would say no. From the dick actor turning down a role in a good movie because they didn’t offer him enough cash, to the kid who's been working at McDonald’s for two weeks and makes the kid who's been there for one week sawdust the puke in the washroom, we are a notoriously self- ish culture.
Which is sad because we have no right to be this selfish, and it’s gotten bad. So bad we feel the need to take down those who try to give a little.
And I’m not saying I’m unsympa- thetic to the flack-shooting masses; I know whenever a celebrity starts talk- ing about the cause of the less for- tunate, I get that same skin-crawly feeling I have when I watch Keanu Reeves act. But can you blame them for caring?
Of course, a guy like Bono feels guilty about his envy-inducing, ped- estal-topping position in life: he’s an overpaid rock star who many feel is the equal of Jesus Christ and many others want to fuck senseless. I imag- ine it’s a pretty sweet life. Hell, the shit- tiness of that album Zooropa is enough to give him a social conscious.
But here's the deal: does this superlative position fill middle- class college folks with an obligation? And
by that I mean, should we help those less fortunate if for no other reason than we have it better?
I find it a tad odious that people want to take shots at him; he’s just using the opportunities available to try to do some good. The much lauded U2 frontman is an extreme example, granted; however, it is symptomatic of how you can aid others who lack your providential life, utilizing the avenues being lucky afford. And when it comes down to it, whether aid is coming from a millionaire Irish rock-star or
me and you doesn’t really matter to a starving six-year-old in Rwanda.
There are, as with everything, coun- ter arguments. Some may argue that “selfishness” isn’t such a four-letter word. If you're grateful for what you have and lead a good life, do you really need to help others out? If I meet a fella or a gal, and they seem like decent and kind people (the fella buys me drinks and the gal lets me touch her boobs), but they never gave to a char- ity or got involved in a health care debate or protest, I don’t necessarily shun them like pariahs.
Maybe the best way to show appre- ciation and adoration for our blessed lives is view them as a lap dance: just fucking enjoy it and don’t worry about the social implications or feelings of guilt. Like old man Dylan sang, “I can’t help it if I’m lucky.”
Yes, I can see the merits of one saying, “I know I've got a good life, I truly, truly appreciate it. But this doesn’t fill me with a sense of obliga- tion to lend a hand to those people God happened to pick the short straw for.”
What's my opinion? Glad you asked.
Look, I enjoy my life, but helping those around you is not as hard as it sounds. The least any one of us could do is sponsor a child in a developing nation, send money to a good cause, or volunteer at a hospital or an old folks home; it’s really not a big deal.
Have I done any of these things? No, I haven't. But I will, and I recognize the need exists and you know what— that’s something. We won the lottery, and it was a big one. I don’t think it’s asking too much to share a little of the wealth.
I mean youre not a prick... are you?
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- For Locations, Times, Tickets and more inforseution: ut www.bears.ualberta,ca or meee pandasualbeace
Hbdiaiowins
SPORTS
sports@gatewav.ualbertacca + thursday, 13 february, 2003
HOME GAMES
Volleyball- MainGym
Canada West Final Four —Bears
Friday, 14February — Bisons vs Huskies, 6:30pm Bears vs Dinos, 8pm
Saturday, 15 February Bronze (Friday losers), 3pm Gold (Friday victors), 8pm
Canada West Final Four —Pandas
Saturday, 15 February Dinos vs T-Birds, 1pm Pandas vs Wesmen, 6:30pm
Sunday, 16 February Bronze (Saturday losers), 1pm Gold (Saturday victors), 3pm
Hockey — Clare DrakeArena
Canada West best-of-three semifinal
Friday, 14 February — Pronghorns vs Pandas, 7pm Saturday, 15 February Pronghoms vs Pandas, 7pm Sunday, 16 February —Pronghorns vs Pandas, zpm*
*4fnecessary
ATHLETIC NOTES
Volleyball
Laurie Eisler’s Pandas (2-0 playoffs) host the women’s Canada West Final Four this weekend. Visiting are UBC (16-4), Calgary (14-6) and Winnipeg (11-9). The Dinos take on the Thunderbirds while the Pandas challenge the Wesmen on Saturday. The winner of each
game will play for gold on Sunday, while the losers of Saturday's matches battle for bronze.
The Bears (2-0 playoffs) host the men’s Canada West Final Four alongside the women this weekend. Visiting are the 18-2 Bisons, 13-7 Huskies and 8-12 Dinos. The Bears play Calgary while Manitoba challenges Saskatchewan Friday night, and the winners of these games battle for gold
on Saturday, while the losers volley for bronze.
Hockey
The Pandas (19-0-1) host the 7-9-4 Lethbridge Pronghorns in the Canada West best-of-three semifinal at the Drake this weekend. The Pronghorns were responsible for the Pandas’ only conference blemish this season, a 3—3
tie in Lethbridge on 25 January.
FILE PHOTO: MAYLENE LOVELAND Canada West wrestling finals go this weekend.
Wrestling The following grapplers are competing in the Canada West championships 14-15 February in Saskatoon.
BEARS PANDAS 48kg Melissa Hillaby 53kg Jennie Young 57kg Rashad Chin Heidi Kulak 6ikg Joe Slobodian Dawn Tremblay 65kg Derek Lofstrom 68kg Steve Baylis 7okg Danielle Schroeder 77kg Melanie Leitch 82kg Chris Maynes gokg Drikkie Wolmarans Basketball
The Pandas (9-11) are in Burnaby this weekend for the Canada West best-of-three quarterfinal with the 18-2 SFU Clan. Unless the women take two of three, the series will be the last of their 2002-2003 campaign.
“finals, but otherwise the pressure’s lower than it’s
Bears and Pandas volleyballers host Canada West Final Four
Both teams earned home turf after finishing tops in conference play and surviving quarterfinal
BRENDAN PROCE Sports Editor
Oy With widely differing histories, and having taken completely different courses to get to the same place, both the men’s and women’s yolleyball teams have earned
their game, and do whit they've done all Men | to win. E beer
“We're not trying to reinvent the wheel | here,” said Bears head coach Richard Schick during a practice Tuesday.
For the Pandas, who surprised some by taking top spot in the Canada West conference with a 16=4" : record this year, the goal is to try to goad their oppo- nent into partaking in their particular, edgy style.
“We don’t play ‘pretty volleyball” said head coach Laurie Eisler, describing games where points are | quickly decided. “We like rallies—we're scrappy, and we have patience.” :
All teams participating across will advance to their respective natio ps virtue of Canada West's strong ranking last season, _| The teams are fighting for seeds in the national
been for a while, as the sites for the nationwide tournaments have already been decided.
“There will be fewer errors this weekend, said Eisler, contrasting this weekend’s tourna- ment with the hectic, intimidating environment of the CIS finals. “This will probably be the best volleyball of the year. Pressure can make the game ugly.”
Schick’s Bears, working on fundamentals in practice on Tuesday, played two tight games in last weekend's best-of-three quar- terfinal with 5-15 UBC. Though his squad won in two straight games, they only won 3-1, 3-2, after beating the Thunderbirds 3-0, 3-0, 3-0 and 3-1 in four confer- ence games this season.
“UBC played well,” said Schick, eyes wide. “Not many expected them to play like that.”
“They put up a real fight, and we didn’t play our best.” The 3-2 match was one of the Bears’ longest ~ of the season, lasting two hours and ten minutes. The contest eliminated the Thunderbirds from the postseason.
Particular to Schick’s crew is overcoming the weird Canada West title hex. Not since 1997 has the winner of the Canada West conference won the
on Friday in their semifinal; Calgary wrapped up conference play at 8-12, and lost to the Bears four times in four games this season: 3—0, 3-0, 3-1 and
Canada West Volleyball Awards
: : Paci g , WOMEN national title; Alberta did it that year, while Schick 3-0.
: : : Ne she, ist Team All-Stars was still wearing number 13 as a power for the With statistics on their side, neither Alberta team J Mackenzi Bears. is getting cocky about the weekend, despite numer- psi irk oe
“We want to do what others haven't been able to _ ous advantages for both. Larissa Cundy do,” said Schick. Since 1972-73, the Bears have only “Some teams will play more of the game they've 2nd Team All-Star earned national gold after winning the Canada West played all year come playoff time, and some will Tawana Wardlaw twice, in 1981 and 1997. break under pressure,” said Eisler. “We'd be happy F
; d : Rookie Team
While the men practiced on one part of campus _ with the same level of performance we've shown all
ee ae + Amanda Atkinson earlier this week, the women were practicing at year. another, with a different sort of focus. The Pandas On the men’s court, Schick’s crew is too aware of Coach of the Year are winning again, something they haven't done how close things came with UBC last weekend, ina _ Laurie Eisler much of since their six-year national title tear from game that shouldn't have been close at all. 1995-2000. Eisler was at the helm for five of those “Not having Pascal [Cardinal] hurt us,” said fifth- MEN
ist Team All-Stars Pascal Cardinal (Player of the Year)
six teams, and this year’s crew is the most talented since those days.
year power Brad Bell, one of the “Fab Five” Bears who graduates at season’s end. “It showed us how
“We could definitely take it,” said third-year setter important he is.” Cardinal, one of the Five, was out Brad Bell Pamela Parker, referring to the Final Four this week- _ with a rolled ankle last weekend, but is fresh for the ond Team All-Stars end. “We like the home crowd, and we love our upcoming series. Ryan Taylor gym.” The women will challenge the Wesmen in “We feel, going into the Final Four, that we Leo Carll the Final Four semifinal Saturday night. Winnipeg _ haven't played our best volleyball yet, and that we ; finished the regular season 11-9 and lost to the _ will play our best when we need to,” said Bell. Rookie Team Pandas 3—0, 3-0 in two conference match-ups this The Bears play at 8pm Friday versus the Wesmen, Justin Wong season. while the Pandas go at 8pm on Saturday against the Coach of the Year For their part, the men will challenge the Dinos Dinos. A full schedule is at the top-left of the page. Richard Schick
10 SPORTS
thursday, 13 february, 2003
Hoop Pandas last gasp?
Alberta needs to win best-of-three quarterfinal in Burnaby to stave off post-season elimination
BRENDAN PROCE Sports Editor
The last time the 9-11 Pandas met SFU, the Clan blasted them out of their den 72-36, their heaviest loss of their season. Forward Erika Ganger bagged Alberta’s highest score that night, with a whopping eight points.
“We weren't healthy then,” says Pandas head coach Trix Baker, who referred to the second half of the 72-36 drubbing as a “comedy of errors.” At the time, Alberta guards Diane Smith and Cristi Allen were out with inju- ries, left looking on from the side- lines.
Since the eight-point night on 4 January 2003 (the Pandas lost to SFU the previous night as well), the team is 4-6, though the bench is healed.
This weekend the women travel to Burnaby to battle the team that beat the Brandon Bobcats 91—43 last Friday, and improved to 18-2 on the season.
“The teams in this conference are very close right now,” said Baker. “And we have more playoff experience than them.”
The coach was wildly optimistic Tuesday, predicting her team would win this weekend’s best-of-three series in two straight games.
“They're national champions, but they lost four players to graduation,”
said Baker. More so, one of their start- ers, Devon Campbell, is out with an injury. Campbell finished the regular season with 124 points, fourth highest on her squad.
Last season, the SFU Clan finished with a perfect 35-0 record, annihilat- ing host McMaster University 79-43 in the CIS final.
If the Pandas have anything on their side, it’s hunger: they're without a CIS title since 1999, when the team was driven to victory by all-star post Jackie Simon, who finished the 1998-1999 season with 328 points. This season, forward Christine Shewchuk led the Pandas with 330 points, but the team has lacked the overall consistency of the 16-4 1999 title squad; this year’s crew hasn’t amassed anything longer than a three-game winning streak.
The women practice until Thursday, when they hit the road for the series, which begins Friday night.
Barring a pair of wins, the Pandas wrap up their 2002-2003 campaign this weekend.
BEARS
The men earned a bye through the first round of the playoffs by finishing first in the Canada West’s Central divi- sion at 15-5. They host the conference Final Four 21—23 February in the Main Gym.
He @ebel-D-~-v as
‘We dont want to see someone else have our banner
Hockey Pandas host Lethbridge in Canada West semifinal this weekend
BRYAN LEE Sports Writer
After winning a gold medal in the European Air Canada Cup, Pandas for- ward Danielle Bourgeois is setting sights on another title—a Canada West championship.
Bourgeois was only one of two CIS players representing Canada on the national under-22 team (the other being Jill Savin of Toronto). The tour- nament took place 5-8 February in Hanover, Germany, and featured a dif- ferent style of play than regular CIS action.
“The ice is really wide, so there's more skating room. It really becomes a fast-paced game. I got quite a few breakaways since there’s so much room,” she explained. The open ice worked well for Bourgeois, who scored three goals while in Germany, two of which came via breakaways.
Canada opened with a 7-2 exhi- bition win over the host Germans, then went on to 4-1 and 8-0 wins over Finland and Switzerland respec- tively. In the 6-1 gold medal win over Germany, Bourgeois notched two goals in the game (including the game winner) and was named Canada’s Player of the Game.
However, missing almost a week and a half before midterms certainly wasn't an ideal situation for the fourth- year player, who leads the CIS in scor- ing with 50 points.
“There’s a lot of pride every time you do something good, such as make
Buy
te
FILE PHOTO: PATRICK FINLAY
The Pandas start their postseason run versus the Pronghorns Friday.
a nice pass or make a nice hit, when you represent your country. It carries a whole new responsibility to hockey that you don’t really realize.”
The Pandas are glad to welcome Bourgeois back, as they prepare to host the Lethbridge Pronghorns in the Canada West semifinal this weekend. And after coming off close 3—1 and 2-1 victories in Saskatchewan last week- end, head coach Howie Draper wanted more from his undefeated squad.
“Saskatchewan played very well, and at times, they worked us,” he admit- ted. “At this stage of the game, we need to be able to win any game and be prepared to play our best.”
Despite a guaranteed spot in the upcoming CIS nationals thanks to their defending-champion status, the Pandas are taking the Pronghorns (7-9-4) seri-
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ously. After all, they're responsible for the tie in Alberta’s 19-0-1 record.
“We want to keep our title going for Canada West,” Bourgeois said. “We don’t want to see someone else have our banner. Every playoff game counts since every one counts towards the final one.”
Start time for Friday and Saturday’s games is 7pm at Clare Drake Arena. It’s a best-of-three series, so there will be a game on Sunday at 2pm if necessary.
BEARS
Meanwhile, the Golden Bears (22-2-2) visit UBC (5-21) to round out conference play. Steve Shrum is only one point behind Saskatchewan's Dean Beuker in the Canada West scoring race. If they end in a tie, Shrum will win by virtue of having more goals.
THE GATEWAY ¢ volume XCH number 34
SPORIS 1]
Yao Ming: the world’s oreatest human
CHRIS KRAUSE
Sports Commentary
The average NBA player is about 67”, just tall enough to hit his head on a normal doorframe. The average Chinese male is 5’6”, not a lot more than half the height of a regulation NBA hoop.
Why the stats? I just thought I'd put things in perspective before I analyzed 22-year-old Yao Ming, whose gigantic 7’5” frame is exceeded only by his potential. Last year the Chinese gov- ernment finally allowed Yao to leave his Chinese professional team and play for the NBA, but only under certain conditions: that he would give half his salary to Chinese sporting bodies, and still play for China in international competitions.
Although this is his first season in America, he’s been with the Houston Rockets long enough to bomb his first six games, then rise to score 20 points against the Lakers, 27 points against the Spurs, and 30 against the Mavericks, to name a few.
Sure, Yao is a rookie, and still largely untested. Sure, much of his current popularity is due, frankly, to the nov- elty factor, as well as his huge impact on an Asian audience delighted to see an Asian player holding his own on the court.
But there are at least four good rea- sons why Yao Ming will not only make his mark on the NBA, but may just become the next Wayne, Tiger, or Michael (you know, Jordan. He played basketball?).
it’s good
for your teeth
sports@gateway.ualberta.ca 492-6652
LE GAITWEIGH
YAOIS A SOLID ATHLETE
Both of Yao’s parents were on the Chinese national basketball team, so Yao has good fundamentals. Also, unlike some players who are extremely tall, he has muscle and strength: com- pare Yao’s solid 295lbs to, say, Manute Bol, who was two inches taller but 75lbs lighter.
He’s currently averaging 13 points a game... What that number doesn‘t tell, though, is that he aver- aged less than four points in his first six games, and 17 in his six most recent. The kid is on his way up.
YAO CAN ONLY GET BETTER
The vast majority of NBA athletes played American college ball, in many cases against one another. They have known the standards of the NBA their whole lives, as well as the rules and style of American basketball. Yao’s never played opponents who pushed him to his full potential until now.
He's currently averaging 13 points per game, compared to Shaquille O’Neal’s 23 in his rookie year. What that number doesn’t tell you, though, is that he averaged less than 4 points in his first six games, and 17 in his six most recent. The kid is on his way up.
YAO IS AROLE MODEL When Tiger Wood burst onto the
PGA, critics said he would never be a Gretzky because he didn’t have time for the fans; he didn’t have heart.
In the few months of his pro- fessional career, Yao has shown an astounding amount of grace and wit, sometimes through the translation of his interpreter, Colin Pine. When asked about his explosive improve- ment in the past two months, Yao credits his coaches and teammates. When Shaq mocked Yao’s language, saying, “Tell Yao Ming, ‘Ching-chong- yang-wah-ah-soh,” Yao dismissed the remark, noting simply but slyly that Chinese is a hard language to learn. He even sent Shaq a Christmas card, prompting the rarely humble O’Neal to later apologize for the remark—in Mandarin.
In a league where even Michael Jordan, Mr Squeaky-Clean himself, has been accused of marital infi- delity, a grinning, modest guy who doesn’t talk smack and just likes to play some ball is exactly what the doctor ordered.
YAO IS SOLID GOLD
When Apple rolled out its new very big and very small laptops, they also rolled out a series of ads featuring, appropriately, Vern Troyer (Mini-Me) and Yao Ming. He was also featured in a Visa Super Bowl commercial.
Fans love Yao, and Rockets ticket sales have increased 55 per cent since he joined. But the even bigger market has yet to be tapped.
There are over a billion of his com- patriots in China, not to mention North America and around the world, who may soon be drinking the cola Yao endorses, wearing the shoes, talk- ing on the cellphones, buying the computers, using the credit cards...
Michael Jordan engineers one last
All-Star game
JOEL CHURY
Ramblings from Moose Lodge
Excuse me’ for a second while I wipe the tears from my eyes. Michael Jordan’s ego was stroked yet again during this past weekend’s NBA All- Star game, when only minutes before game time Toronto Raptors star Vince Carter relinquished his starting posi- tion to appease Mike’s fans.
And so, Michael Jordan was able to have his All-Star swansong. Did you weep? I sure did.
What message is this guy sending anyway? What does it mean to be like Mike? Well, Magic MJ shoes aside, Lil Bow Wow missed a few key points in his movie.
The real Mike retired twice only to return to the game with the team he purchased, reneging ownership rights. Jordan also tried his hand at profes- sional baseball, “earning” a spot that would otherwise have gone to a true Big League hopeful. He was given someone else's starting spot in the All-Star game, contrary to the voting of fans.
The All-Star game exists for fans. And until such time that the league decides to get rid of the balloting system, they should stick with who the fans vote in.
Sure, fans have had their share of ridiculous picks, like the time two years ago when every San Jose Shark on the NHL All-Star ballot was voted to start. Those fans in the Shark Tank must've been stuffing the ballot
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box, because nowhere else in North America did anyone feel that Vinny Damphousse was the NHL's best centre. Nor was Seattle Mariner third base- man David Bell the best third bagger in the American League when he was voted a starter in 2001. And how else could Brian Leetch repeatedly make the All-Star game? Fans are stupid.
Yep, we are dumb as can be. Only stupid people would vote for Vince Carter to start. He clearly didn’t deserve to be there, as he only played in ten games this season, hampered by injury.
So where did all these dumb voters come from? Must’ve been Canada, as we only have one team to cheer for. So should the league pay attention to us? Should any sport listen to its fans? I'm not sure. But if pro leagues allow fans to vote All-Star game starters, they should stick with who fans choose, regardless of how wise our choices may be.
Nope, Vince didn’t deserve to start, but we voted him in. So where do we go from here? Fans do not share a united front; in Atlanta, they booed Vince for minutes when he was intro- duced.
This whole All-Star thing has turned political. Allen Iverson and Tracy McGrady both offered Jordan their starting spots. Heck, even Kevin Garnett, who plays in the other con- ference, offered up his spot.
In the end it was Vince’s responsibil- ity to surrender his pride, and his posi- tion. Thanks to his selflessness, MJ was able to break Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s All-Star points record, and transform an event he wasn’t even supposed to start into something oddly dedicated to himself.
12 FEATURE
thursday, 13 february, 2003
Gateway.
Sex
Have you ever held hands? (ipt)
Have you ever kissed someone of the opposite sex? (1pt)
Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? (2pt)
Have ever kissed something of another species? (5pt)
Have you ever had sex? (3pt) Did you do it wrong? (1pt) Ever had anal sex? (3pt)
How many times have you had sex
ina 24-hour period? (1pt/session, add
5 points for each partner after two) How many different people have you had sex with in a 24 hour period? (3pt/person, add 5 points for each part- ner after two)
How large a group have you had sex in? (5pt a piece after one partner)
Ever had sex with someone more than twice, or less than half, your height/ weight? (spt)
Ever had sex with someone more than 10 years younger or older than you? (5pt)
Ever have sex until you were sore? (2pt) Until you couldn't walk? (spt)
Until you could walk again—praise the Lord! (10 pt)
= = y committing the kinda of depravity you can’t even get on the Internet? Take the test, count up your score, and see where you fit in comparison to all your friends and the deviants on staff here at the
Ever cheated on your partner? (2pt per time)
Has someone ever cheated on their partner with you (apt per time)
Have you ever cheated on your partner with someone who was cheating on their partner? (6pt)
Have you ever told someone you loved them just to get laid? (Spt)
That you were a virgin just to get laid? (3pt)
Do you intentionally wear tight pants? (pt)
So people can see your thong? (zpt female, 4pt male)
Just to show off your baby maker or camel toe? (spt)
Asa form of birth control? (-1 pt, idiot)
Ever fool someone while dressed up like the opposite sex? (3pt)
While not dressed up like the opposite sex? (Spt)
Ever involve shitting, pissing, or puking into your sexual practices? (4pt for each and additional 2pt per combo)
By accident? (10pt)
Ever felched? (apt) With a straw? (3pt) With a bendy straw? (4pt)
The Gateway
Been fisted? (
Ever eae your owns sex wee, ae : Was it electric? (6pt)_
With a spoon straw? (Spt) With a spoon? (10pt)
How many years away from 18 were you when you lost your vit- ginity? (2pt per year below, -1pt per year above)
Ever taken someone's virginity?
(Spt per person) Did you sell it on eBay? (-3pt)
Ever sleep with someone uglier than you? (2pt) Just for variety? (3pt)
Ever sleep with a prof? (apt) Just to raise your marks? (2pt) Did you fail anyway? (-3pt)
Have you ever given/received oral sex? (2pt) While taking a crap? (3pt)
Ever drink cum? (2pt)
From a cup? (3pt)
Ever become a vegetarian just to make your jizz taste better? (zpt)
Did it work? (3pt)
Ever been fi ingered? (aptdigit used)
Ever bought pornography? (2pt)
Ever ordered something froma
porn magazine? (3pt)
Did you use your parent's credit card? (spt)
And get a PO box to have it delivered? (-3pt)
Have you ever used a sex toy? (2pt) Acarrot? (ipt) A cucumber? (apt) A squash? (4pt) A pineapple? (8pt)
Do you own handcuffs, a whip, paddle, bondage swing, gag, clamps, stiletto boots, crotchless pants, corset, collar, or crop? {apt each, 1008 bonus if you have them all)”
. i Asp othe 3 tton protest (20
your ? (1op' “Onan old-timey rotary phone while it was ringing, a for SON e a
e Do. you oo burn upon es
Margarine? (5pt) Did you make cookies with it later and feed them to your parents? (15pt)
Sexual Scenarios
Ever had sex on campus (not counting residence)? (3pt)
At work (unless youre a Gateway editor)? (3pt)
Public washroom? (3pt)
Public transportation? (5pt)
Plane? (6pt)
Jail? (opt)
Church? (15pt)
Just to break a commandment? (2opt)
Inatent? (ipt).
Ever listened to your oriates have sex? (1pt)
Did you pound on the wall? (-2pt) - With your dink? (spt)
Did you make a video of them to sell to all their friends? (1spt)
Have you had sex in a car (apt) While it was moving? (4pt)
While you were driving? (5pt)
While it was on the showroom floor at a busy dealership? (6pt)
Ever been to a bathhouse for sex? (2pt) Acathouse? (3pt)
An actual cathouse with an old lady and lots of cats? (1 opt)
ee yoo a NASA astronaut? (apt) Did you burn up on re-entry? as
Self Love
Ever rented porn? (2pt)
Watched the Showcase Revue (3pt) Just for the plot? Capt)
Just to pick up new moves? (3pt)
Ever shaved your pubes? (2pt) Waxed them? (3pt)
Tore them out? (5pt)
Burned them off? (10pt) With a campfire? (2opt)
Have you ever masturbated? (ipt)
How many times in a 24 hour period? (ipt/wanking)
Against your will? (3pt)
While unconscious? (4pt)
Because you thought it was “bad”? (2pt) Have you ever masturbated to Playboy?(ipt) Cosmo?(2pt) National Geographic? (3pt) Guns and Ammo? (4pt)
THE GATEWAY « volume XCii number 34 FEATURE 13
Did you get tackled? (5pt) Do you own a pipe? (2pt) A bong? (4pt) Ever had cybersex? (1pt) Did you like it? (8pt) Did you make it yourself? (5pt) While pretending you were someone Out of a human skull? (;00pt) else? (2pt) Ever been featured in While the person was still alive? (Goopts) — Did you get the keys stuck? (2pt) Campus Crime Beat? Just to get them high? (1000pts) Did you use emoticons? (2pt) (10pt) Did you make your own emoticons? Did your mom Ever smoked cloves? Earl Grey tea? (4pt) frame it? (5pt) Snorted nutmeg? Snorted snow? (ipt Do you live in each) Ever read slash fiction? (2pt) Lister Hall? (spt) —_ Licked a toad? (2pt) Written it? (3pt)
Diet Pills? (2pt). About Hans Blix? ie? (Spt)
Ei ‘Say you ni watch aia? (opt) ae on for the tentacles and school girls? _
Ever denctoaded porn on: the Internet? (zpt) —_ Allof the porn on. the internet? api) _ Beeni in ols on 1 the Internet? (rope)
Did you leave it untreated? (3p z “Do you get explicit spam for Asan Internet science experiment? Did yout use his skull asa goblet to drink Internet porn? (1pt) (4pt) champagne? (Soopt) Read it? (2pt) ‘ ‘ Was it successful? (5pt) Forward it? (3pt) ‘
Are they your pv friends? (-spt)
Ever gotten pregnant? (15pt)
Ever had unprotected sex? (spt) Did you have an abortion? (2opt) With someone you never saw again? Just to piss off pro-life groups? (30pt) (7pt) Just to lose weight? (i00pt)
Do you have a lucky condom? (1o0pt) Ever taken birth control pills? (5pt) Just to grow breasts? (10pt)
Looganism Ever had crabs, a cold sore, urinary infec-
tion, or a nasty discharge? (3pt each) Do you wear black? (2pt)
Because it’s slimming? (-1pt)
Because you really are that fucking evil? (2pt)
How many years under 18 were you when you first got drunk? (1ptlyear) High? (2ptlyear)
Ever been on the LRT without paying? (ipt)
Ever park in handicap parking zones without being physically disabled? (apt)
Ever dined and dashed? (apt) At Earls? (1pt) Your parent's house? (2pt)
Do you agree with Blair? (-5pt)
Have you ever cheated? (apt) On the purity test? (-5pt, loser) Ona pregnancy test? (Spt)
Ever committed an illegal act? (3pt) To cover up another illegal act? (Spt) Been to jail? (10pt)
One built in your basement? (15pt) Ever successfully blame someone else for your illegal act? (15pt)
Did they go to jail? (zopt)
14 FEATURE
thursday, 13 february, 2003
Rock n Roll
Do you know it’s only rock ‘n roll but you like it? (1pt) Yeah, (1pt) yeah, (1pt) you like it? (pt)
Ever been to a concert? (2pt)
Been back stage? (3pt)
Did you sleep with a roadie named Ernie to get there? (spt)
Did you go on tour with the band after? (iopt)
Is it getting hot in here? (1pt) Should we take off all our clothes? (5pt)
Ever slept with someone in band? (10pt per band member, 5pt bonus if you slept with the entire group)
A roadie? (5pt each)
A karaoke MC? (apt each)
Did you name your band Metallica? (-10pt)
Are you tough? (apt)
Are you complicated?(2pt)
Do you like sk8r boys? (3pt)
Can you pronounce “Bowie?” (1pt) No? (-7pt)
Ever gone crowdsurfing? (4pt) Just to get felt up? (1opt) Were you wearing a skirt? (Spt) Without underwear? (10pt)
Ever trashed a hotel room? (5pt)
By accident? (2pt)
By setting a guitar on fire and using it as a makeshift flame thrower? (10pt) Because the devil told you to? (15pt)
ow
e Riesuts
Written by Chris Boutits, Kelly “Fits Seven”, Leah Collins, Kwistine Owram, Dave Alexander, Adam Rozentart, Anthony Easton, Skip, Pabs, and Heather Badler.
50 per cent devil. (151-225 points)
Well, congratulations. You're halfway there. You've done some worthwhile things in your day, but admitting that you drink to get drunk isn’t going to earn you a spot in the Purity Test Hall of Fame (but then again, nothing will, because there’s no such thing. Loser). Have more sex. Do more drugs. Listen to more rock ‘n roll. Then we'll be your friends.
In this category: Adam Rozenhart (entertainment editor) Brendan Procé (sports editor)
Patrick Finlay (lying photo editor)
Are you alive? (o~75 points)
You're the purest of the pure, one of those kids who got beat up in high school and refused to defend yourself because violence is wrong. You don’t drink because it makes you sleepy and you think French kissing involves berets and baguettes (and | mean that in the least offensive way possible). For Christ's sake, you're in university! Don’t you want stories to tell your kids?
In this category: Jhenifer Pabillano (news editor) Leah Collins (assoc news editor)
Raunchy and rad. (226-300 points)
Good for you, you have achieved the perfect bal- ance. You're having a good time doing the things you should do in university but you're not going to wake up one morning with your brain cells replaced by scabies. If you're lucky, you'll make it through university with nothing worse than a hangover and a couple of used condoms with which to decorate the Christmas Tree. Rad.
In this category:
Kristine Owram (news editor) Raymond Biesinger (managing editor) Dan Lazin (nerd editor)
— 464
vntost
Cateway L, Merarcy ,
Do you like writing? How about unicorns, kittens, the Hungry-Hungry Hippos game, and Tony Danza? We here at the Gateway love all those things and that’s why we're happy to announce
this year’s Gateway literary contest. If you've ever wanted to experience the sweet sweet glory
of seeing your scrawlings permanently etched on thousands of pieces of newsprint, this is your chance. The contest is open to any student at the U of A who can mingle a few words and
winners will be chosen by a crackpot panel of Gateway judges. Victorious submissions will be published in a future issue of this fine publication and we'll even throw in some fabulous (or
Entries will be judged for creativity and style. All pieces must be original content that has not been previously published and not offensive or discriminatory in approach. You can enter once per category, but in as many categories as you like. If you have questions, feel free to contact
kind of mediocre) prizes.
us. The contest closes 1 March, 2003 so get your write on and send your creations to us at
features@gateway.ualberta.ca or drop them off at our office on the third floor of SUB in the Features mail box. Please include your name and e-mail address. Unfortunately, entries will not be
returned, Please submit only hard copy prints of photos.
Se gear) ° ) ) ey ° Coby. Finyer J 4 Nd a Cad Teed@ Lltcelgslv
cist
Suck a dildo. (76—150 points)
Penis enlargement spam makes you cry and the cover photo of this newspaper makes you nause- ated. However, you've had a few drinks in your life and maybe even had a sexual fantasy or two (sans masturbation, of course). All you need is someone to hold you down, stick a dildo in your mouth, and inject you with intravenous drugs, and you'll be well on your way to radness. (If this offer interests you, the Gateway offices are on the third floor of SUB)
In this category:
Daniel Kaszor (circulation) Skip (editor-in-chief)
lain llich (production editor)
That looks infected. (300+ points)
A spot in this category means one of two things: you've done alot of stupid things in your life or you cheated. Either way, it would probably be a good idea to stop killing hookers and snorting coke out of their chest cavities. Seriously. Ease up and you'll avoid an early visit from the Dark Lord (but only if you want to).
In this category: Chris Boutet (party editor) Heather Adler (features editor)
Categories / Short Fiction (under 1500 words) 2 Really Short Fiction (under 100 words) 3 > Poetry (Free-verse or not) -f Photo (A picture is worth 1000 words. Take a
snapshot of something.)
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entertainment@gateway.ualberta.ca « thursday, 13 february, 2003
SOCAL INTERCOURSE
Akira Kurosawa Film Festival Metro Cinema 21-24 February at 7pm
One of the uncontested masters of the cinema, Akira Kurosawa, still influences directors and amazes filmgoers to this day. Metro Cinema is presenting four of Kurosawa’s masterpieces with new 35mm prints. Highlights of the festival include Yojimbo, the basis for the seminal Clint Eastwood spaghetti western A Fist Full of Dollars.
Also notable is Kurosawa’s rendition of Shakespeare's Macbeth in Throne of Blood. Kurosawa’s style is noted for its epic scope while retaining a sharp focus on character. Each of the films will be presented twice during the festival.
Flair Bartender Competition Urban Lounge Monday, 17February at 7pm
Flair bartending is the artful pouring of drinks—in other words, looking cool. Bartenders flip bottles over their heads and under their legs, and pour that shot of whatever you just asked for. For the average bartender, this is a great way to score extra tips.
Advanced flair bartenders might also use the flammable qualities of alcohol to light up their performance.
With any luck, this competition will end with someone drenched in tequila. Anything that ends with someone drenched in tequila is good.
BobLoglll The Rev Saturday, 15 February at 99m
Bob Log Ill is a Jazz musician. Sort of.
He comes on stage with a crash helmet and costume that makes him look a little like Super Dave Osborne. He uses a telephone receiver, which is part of his crash helmet, as a microphone. He is, by any standard, one weird dude.
Yet, he still hammers out his tunes on his slide guitar and delivers some singing sadness, just like any other blues musician. | guess if Evel Knievel were a blues musician, his name would be Bob Log Ill.
Karen Savoca, with guitarist Pete Heitzman
Karen Savoca
with Pete Heitzman
St Basil’s Cultural Centre Friday, 21 February at 8pm
Sometimes folk music isn’t quite what you expect. You might think you're going to hear a person strum a guitar while they swoon about how drinking bottled water is selling out to the Man. However, sometimes the performer defies €xpectations and brings you enlightening music— ambrosia for the ears.
Karen Savoca is one of those performers. With her guitarist Pete Heitzman, she blends the rhythms of soul, R&B, and world beat into her folk architecture. The result is a fun, quirky sound that engages the audience and is accessible to all ages.
Not only are my parents going to this one, so are two of my friends. | think my parents are far cooler than my friends, though.
DANIEL KASZOR Circulation Manager
Alls fair in sex and war
Lysistrata
Directed by Leah Chemiak
Starring Lesley Galbecka,Adrienne Dalman, Shera-Lea Saunders, Amber McGrath,
and Marcia Owen
Studio Theatre
6-15 February
ASIA SZKUDLAREK Arts & Entertainment Writer
Aristophanes had the right idea when he wrote Lysistrata. With its rambunctious portrayal of both war and promiscuity, it managed to suc- cessfully cater to the general Athenian popu- lation when first performed at the Festival of Dionysus in 441 BC. After all, what better way to please the Greek god of liquid necessities and his orgiastic followers than a play featuring both sex and Thracian wine?
Today, Studio Theatre's version of this classic “old comedy” proves that the positive audience response is just as strong as it was centuries ago.
As the lights in the Timms Centre dim, one marvels at the stage design. Although the Timms stage dimensions are sometimes described as unconventionally narrow, having to work with the space wasn’t a problem for Roger Schultz, the play’s main designer. He uses diagonal lines to bring the stage to life, with tall Grecian columns leaning toward centre stage at dangerous angles, and a series of patterned ramps leading up to the geometrically challenged Parthenon.
Throughout the play, this Parthenon becomes the staging point for the women of Athens and Sparta, who, tired of the crippling consequences of the Peloponnesian War, unite in a vow of cold celibacy until their men agree to wage peace.
At the early stages of the story, however, the overused saying “easier said than done” rings true. The women, most dressed in frilly, layered dresses and 1950s inspired lingerie, attempt many escapes
from their sexless sanctuary. Most comic are the outbursts of the less disciplined women, namely Kalonika, who, whilst shouting “Tlove sex!” drops down to the floor and engages in a horizontal dance of hip thrusting and leg spreading.
The men portrayed in Lysistrata are just as animated as their counterparts, from the studly Kinesias, who returns from a campaign riding a shiny Harley Davidson motorcycle, to the city’s magistrate, whose pronunciation of “Athens” sounds like “anus,” to the old Athenian soldiers with their oxygen tanks and walkers: and each man comes complete with a shiny red balloon penis, and in some cases, “blue balls.”
This particular version of Lysistrata also plays with strong sexual language which, when placed
SHAWN BENBOW THE SEXLESS MEN OF GREECE The choice is between peace or chastity in Aristophanes’ Lysistrata.
in the appropriate context, is wildly amusing even to the ancient Greeks. While the women of the play are flabbergasted at the sheer thought of having to “give up dick,” the men revel in the thought of tasting “fur pie.”
As cliché as it sounds, one of the most promi- nent messages Lysistrata conveys is the need for peace. Although the idea of using sex to establish harmony is farfetched, Aristophanes portrays it as a comical yet ironic solution to stopping terri- torial-based bloodshed and violence.
In relation to the present-day situation with Iraq, one can only imagine what we women could achieve if we could only succeed in doing what men loathe us for the most: using sex as a weapon.
Student playwrights field test their work
Working Titles
With works by Stephen Kent, Kelsie Acton, Andrew Beattie, Bohdan Tarasenko, MLM Lacroix, and RyanJ MacKinley
Second Playing Space
11-15 February
ADAM ROZENHART Entertainment Editor
A BFA (Acting) program doesn’t allow much room for anything extra-curricular. But play- wright and first-year BFA (Acting) student Stephen Kent tries to fit as much as possible into his busy schedule.
Boasting a timetable running from 8am until 7pm most days, Kent doesn’t seem too bothered by the busy hours. He takes time out of his schedule, just following ballet class, to chat about Working Titles, a one-act play festival being show- cased this week in the Second Playing Space.
“Working Titles is a new play festival. As a playwright, all I have to do is submit my play,” says Kent. If the submission is accepted, as Kent's was, the script goes to a cast and crew who “workshop” the play for the festival, an opportu- nity for the drama department to showcase the talents of its students.
Kent will try to make as many rehearsals as possible, to see how the cast and crew are coping with his script. This entire process allows play- wrights to test drive their works: they may or may not make changes based on reviews and responses from the crowds.
“T get to see the final product, and I make changes from there,” he says. “It doesn’t have as much of a time commitment because I don’t have to do any acting or directing.”
Despite his commitment to school, Kent seems relaxed and enthusiastic, though his exuberance for drama is partially the result of parental influ- ence.
“My mother came from a Mennonite home, so she never felt she could do drama and get away with it,” he says, adding that his mother made sure Kent was exposed to drama when he was young by putting him in church plays.
That exposure led Kent to a chance encounter when he was living overseas. He happened to wander into the wrong room one day, and stum- bled upon the improvisation/theatresports phe- nomenon. After watching for awhile, Kent found himself onstage performing and enjoying him- self. A drama class later, Kent switched majors.
With the script for his play The Airport, the Sea, the House Full of Pillows being read at Working Titles, Kent is confident that the crowds
2% s SHAWN BENBOW OFFICE POLITICS These intrepid thespians struggle with office etiquette in On the Corner.
will be open to his absurd brand of humour.
“The university student population is a good crowd for this type of festival because they're open-minded to all sorts of crazy, wacky kinds of stuff,” he notes.
Kent isn’t worried about response from the crowd; he says that U of A students aren’t wor- ried about being critical.
“People aren't afraid to speak their minds about how they feel about plays,” he says. “[They’re] going to be engaged, so I expect a lot of solid feedback from people.”
Kent's play is one of two works being read. The rest of the festival involves nightly performances of four one-act plays written by students.
It may not be Broadway, but Working Titles might just be an important step for these young playwrights into the wide world of professional stage acting.
16 ADAM & ROZENHART
thursday, 13 february, 2003
Visit us at:
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The U of A Nature Challenge VOLUNTEERS NEEDED to help with campus-wide campaign promoting simple steps towards a better future!
Meeting TODAY Feb. 13, 3:30pm 420 SUB "What we do to nature we do to ourselves" brought to you by ECOS and the David Suzuki Foundation.
Check out our website for further information. www.su.ualberta.calecos
Geneva Rae; Director geneva.rae@su.ualberta.ca
Dwayne Wohlgemuth, Associate Director dwayne.wohlgemuth@su.ualberta.ca
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UNREQUITED LOVE Marnie (Kate Dollenmayer) searches for love in Andrew Bujalski’s independent flick Funny Ha Ha.
It's funny,
just not funny ‘ha ha
FunnyHaHa
Directed by Andrew Bujalski Starring Kate Dollenmayer,and Christian Rudder
Metro Cinema
14-17February at 9:15pm
ADAM ROZENHART Entertainment Editor
Ten minutes, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t a lot of time. And it cer- tainly isn’t worth fussing over, since most people out there live well over 42 million minutes during their life- time. However, the first ten minutes of Funny Ha Ha are excruciating.
Marnie (Kate Dollenmayer), is thoroughly unhappy. with her life. Currently jobless, she roams Boston in search of companionship. However, her every move is somehow thwarted: she cannot be with Dave because he’s already spoken for; co-worker Mitchell is too nerdy and not really Marnie’s type; and long-time crush and friend
Profile:
From TheSpark.com to the screen, Rudder has his hands in just about everything
ADAM ROZENHART Entertainment Editor
If you were around the Internet back in the late "90s, you’d probably remem- ber a site at its prime. It featured hilar- ious tests that would take you down a peg, a bizarre science project sec- tion, and a compendious notes section wherein one could find discussion on a variety of works of literature.
That site was, and still is, called the Spark, and though the Spark still exists in some form, one of its prin- ciple contributors, Christian Rudder, has since moved on to other projects.
Rudder plays Alex in Andrew Bujalski’s Funny Ha Ha, an undistrib- uted Boston independent film making its Canadian debut this weekend at Metro Cinema. But he’s quick to admit the inexperience of the cast.
“None of us are actors,” notes Rudder. “All those people [in the film] are all friends—we all know each other.”
Rudder’s claim to fame was as
Alex is otherwise spoken for.
Unsatisfied with her life, Marnie finds work through a temp agency, where she meets Mitchell. Although she sees him a few times, she realizes that things between her and Mitchell arent going to work because both carry too much baggage.
Eventually, Marnie leaves the temp agency and applies for a job working as a library researcher for Alex’s uncle. Despite bringing her a little bit closer to Alex, she still cannot get him to notice her.
When Marnie and Alex are together, you'll cheer for them to hook up, but discomfort between them—an unmentioned desire to be together— keeps them from discussing anything other than pleasantries.
That sort of mood punctuates all of Funny Ha Ha. The characters, situa- tions and conversations are uncom- fortably real, which is partly what makes the first ten minutes so excruci- ating. After a few scenes, however, the
hristian
primary contributor to the Spark, a dot-com dedicated to providing hilar- ious content to its users. It spawned such popular tests as the Death Test and Purity Test, though those particu- lar sections of the site weren't Rudder’s doing.
Rudder’s brainchild was the sci- ence section of the Spark. He created the famous Stinky Meat Project (I and If), which involved “raw meat hidden in the yard of an evil, mail- reading neighbour,” the Fat Project which saw two Bostonians gorge themselves to gain weight and win a prize, and the Date-My-Sister proj- ect, when Rudder put his sister's blind dates on the ’Net for all to see. But What inspired these projects isn’t exactly clear for Rudder.
“They just came into my mind,” he recalls. “They seemed like the kind of thing people would want to see.”
Rudder left the Spark after a year, when Barnes & Noble bought the site. At that point, Rudder says he didn’t feel like working under the large company, and decided to play music instead.
He started a band called Bishop Allen with friends Justin, Margaret and Bonnie. Named after a street Rudder used to live on, Bishop Allen boasts a “slightly punked-out pop-music” style; already, the band has recorded one
realism of the characters draws you in. Suddenly, you find yourself caring about Marnie’s search for love, and getting frustrated by all the hurdles being thrown in her direction.
Director Andrew Bujalski created Funny Ha Ha as a hyper-realistic film. He cast his friends, and they all play roles that nearly mirror their personal- ities. Each character fits his or her role, and because of the tension, each situ- ation makes you squirm with anxiety and anticipation.
Adding to the awkward situations is Bujalski’s use of sound. A notice- ably absent soundtrack and frequent
_pauses in dialogue perpetuate the ten-
sion throughout the film:
Funny Ha Ha is an exercise in patience; you'll want to leave during the first ten minutes, but if you slog through all the awkward conversations and situations, you'll come to under- stand that Marnie’s resolution, though maybe not the happiest, is definitely the most realistic.
Rudder
Christian Rudder from a scene in Funny Ha Ha.
album and is preparing for a national tour during the summer.
“We'll probably make it up to Canada at some point. The Spark had a lot of Canadian fans so it would be good to go up there,” he adds.
Meanwhile, Funny Ha Ha contin- ues to garner acclaim around the US. It won Special Jury Prize, Performance by Ensemble Cast at the Sidewalk Moving Picture Festival, and the Most Promising New Filmmaker Award at the Northampton Independent Film Festival. However, Rudder insists he isn’t an actor. And he just wants to keep doing what he’s always done.
“I'm going to start writing again, but right now I’m just playing in the band.”
THE GATEWAY + volume XCIt number 34
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT 17
wwwtalibkwelicom
MICHAEL FOWLIE Arts & Entertainment Writer
With an Arabic name meaning “stu- dent of truth,” it comes as no surprise that Talib Kweli is known as one of hip hop’s most poetic and _political MCs. However, on his first solo effort, aptly titled Quality, the Brooklyn native seems skeptical of such labels, and as if to expand judgments that pigeonhole his music, he drops a truly dynamic record.
His motivation for versatility shows up early in the record. Opening with the lyrically-aggressive, hurried tempo of “Rush,” the mood is reversed by a 180-degree turn toward light, infec- tious optimism in “Get By.” Whether meditating on the blessing of father- hood on “Joy” (with Black Star col- laborator Mos Def) or on America’s duplicity of terrorism on “The Proud,” he seems equally comfortable with political and personal issues. And this is what makes it a truly great dynamic album.
So jam your ears to the speaker and let your head bounce to and fro; this rocks mind and body—a rare, versatile Quality indeed.
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Guitar duo impresses rocker
The Birss & Sanders Duo Muttart Hall Saturday, 1 February
BORIS KULUSIC Arts & Entertainment Writer
The lights in Muttart Hall dimmed as the stage lights perked up. When Ernst Birss and Trevor Sanders came from backstage, armed only with their acoustic guitars and a clean, polished look, the crowd went absolutely wild at the sight of the classical guitar duo. It’s like Beatlemania all over again. The crowd chanted “BSD BSD BSD” as the Birss and Sanders duo held up the devil’s horn gesture in acknowledgement.
OK, OK, I confess: that’s not exactly what happened. When the duo appeared, they were greeted with warm applause from the crowd, which they acknowledged with a nod of their
heads.
They explained their opening piece, “Five Spanish and South American Folk Songs.” Although both guitarists seemed nervous when talking to the crowd, their playing more than com- pensated. The set consisted of eleven pieces with three solo performances, two by Birss and one by Sanders.
This performance was unusual. Those used to the big rock shows, with a screaming crowd and guitars wailing, eardrums ready to pop, won't get what they're expecting. However, it was soon apparent that appreciation should be shown with extremely loud and prolonged clapping, not loud and prolonged screams for an encore.
Despite being a more sedate per- formance than most would be used to, and the fact that “English Suite No 2,” had no lyrics to sing along with, the performance was nonetheless remarkable.
Although classical music is known for being extremely technical, this classical guitar duo expressed a lot of emotion and technical flair at the same time.
The crowd chanted “BSD BSD BSD” as the Birss and Sanders duo held up the devil's horn gesture in acknowledgement.
The show was about the beautiful melodies that were being played, and how well the two guitarists comple- mented each other in the eight duet pieces. Expressing a full range of emo- tions with only two guitars and four hands, the acoustics at Muttart Hall were
perfect for the duo’s performance.
Their solo performances were almost as mesmerizing as their combined per- formances. Birss put on a stellar per- formance with his offerings, showing why, in 1998, he became the only Albertan to ever win the Northwest Guitar Competition, an annual event open to classical guitarists from Western Canada and the American Pacific Northwest.
Trevor Sanders, Birss’ partner-in- crime, put in the best performance of the night with his solo piece entitled “Sonatina: Allegro, Andante, Allegro.” The intensity and skill expressed by a few notes was a humbling yet exciting sound to hear.
It was nothing to bob your head to, or jump up or down in excitement for, but this night out at the Muttart was about relaxing, and appreciating some good music played by a duo of superb guitarists.
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18 MORE ADAM & ROZENHART
thursday, 13 february, 2003
ssROBERT E, LEE
The nation's heart was touched by
by
As undorgettable story of the Chal War, from the Director af “GETTYSBURG”
Gods and Generals is a story not just about America’s bloodiest conflict, the American Civil War, it also details the lives and tales of the families and their responsibilities at home during that time. You could attend the preview screening.
Wednesday, 19 February at South Edmonton Common Cinema at 7pm.
All you have to dois come up to 3-04 SUB at 1pm on Thursday and tell the Entertainment Editor the
name of Mira Sorvino’s dad, and what famous Dick Wolf television show he once co-starred on. Do this,
and score yourself a double-guest pass to Gods and Generals, which opens Friday, 21 February.
THE GATEWAY
As neutral as Switzerland since 1910
Helvetica as its system font. Later on, a company called Microsoft came in and created its own system font called Arial. Many believe Microsoft simply stole Helvetica from Apple and gave it anew name.
Now, you can decide which company is in the right. Sort of.
Rates OK, not at all, in fact. But if you go to “arial or helvetica,” you can try your hand at discerning
waivericn between the two popular typefaces. Think it’s
R t easy, do you? Well, if the allegations of Microsoft's
thievery are true, then you'llfind it nearlyimpossible ror covered their tracks.
to figure out which is which—they’ve thoroughly t And, really, who cares? In terms of a display type,
both are adequately shaped and sans serifed so MONOTYPE GROTESQUE 215
SITE
that readers can see what they say. Frankly, there are tonnes of better fonts out there to choose from. Have you ever heard of Adobe Garamond,
www..iliveonyourvisits.com/ you thoughtless bastard? Do you realize your igno-
helvetica/ rance has a highly specialized section of the nerd community up in arms?
ADAM ROZENHART There's a war, man. A freakin’ war. One that isn’t
Entertainment Editor about oil, energy, or weapons of mass destruction.
This is a war of aesthetics and x-heights. Whose side are you on? Huh?
A few years back, Apple chose a little font called
In fact, if anything, when we see food, we eat it. It’s delicious, and I’m told it provides a great deal of nourishment.
This, however, defies everything you thought you knew about eating. It also defies a number of other things, including language, innuendo, and any sort of sense at all. It’s a can of what I'm told is called Jackfruit, and according to sources, it’s quite possibly the sickest thing you could subject your taste buds to.
But that isn’t the point of this little diatribe. The point is that this can was manufactured by a com- pany called Cock on the Mountain Top. What's even more hilarious is the size of the words “cock” and “Sackfruit” compared to anything else written on the can.
Now, perhaps it takes a rather sprained mind to discern any sort of amusement from a can of for- eign fruit. However, |'m fairly confident in myassess- ment that the indigenous peoples of Thailand are doing this solely to vex North Americans.
Either that, or the folks at Babelfish are finally able to pass off their translator as “good,” “ade- We're rarelyshocked byfoodhereatthe Gateway. quate,” or “not shitty.”
Foreign Can of Foreign Fruit
ADAM ROZENHART Entertainment Editor
ALBERTA HERITAGE FOUNDATION FOR MEDICAL RESEARCH
fellowship program
Application forms available at:
Career and
Te Alberta Heritage Foundation for Medical Research (AHFMR) Media Fellowship Program gives one senior student at an Alberta university the
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Faculty of Science
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bridging the gap between scientists and the media
Are you so ready to get the L out of the learning mode? ou
So, you’re close to earning your degree, and life’s about to hand you a toss-up question: Do you continue with your formal learning, or get the “L” out and try earning a living doing who knows what? Well, if you are a student who excelled in researching and writing —a person who would rise happily every morning to the challenge of helping an organization communicate more effectively with its various audiences— then there’s an option you may want to consider: a career in public relations. You can be ready for it in just 10 months.
The public relations career diploma program at Grant MacEwan College is geared to the university student. We use 30 credits from your university learning, apply them to the two-year diploma requirement, and then we put you on a 10-month fast track to becoming a fully functional, entry-level public relations practitioner. No electives. No nurturing as if you were just out of high school. It’s a challenge for the best of university students, and it’s a challenge that has led 95% of graduates to full-time employment in less than a year.
Maybe it’s time to get the “L” out and turn your learning into earning. Visit our Web site for information on the public relations industry, our diploma program, and how to become a practising PR professional in just 10 months. You can also check us out at MacEwan’s Open House on Saturday, Feb. 8th, 10 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., City Centre Campus.
mu )=~Grant MacEwan College
Public Relations Career Diploma Program www.macewanpr.ca or call Barb Martin at 497-5389
THE GATEWAY + volume XC number 34
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT 9
The All-American Rejects Self-titles
Dreamworks wwwallamericanrejects.com
BLAIR PIGGOTT Arts & Entertainment Writer
DareDevil
The Movie Soundtrack Fox Music wwwdaredevilmusic.com
ALEX KONYE Arts & Entertainment Writer
More photogenic than the Strokes and Sum 41 combined, the All American Rejects’ attitude toward songwriting is as popular as their boyish good looks.
AAR were recently picked up by a major label and put on a national tour, despite their inexperience.
If you like what Mormons and Power 92 call punk, you'll love ARR. Lyrically, every song is about breaking up or falling in love; musically, Blink 182 should be pissed that ‘these guys are ripping them off. There are some heart-felt moments and some guitar riffs worthy of figuring out, however; every song is catchy and angst-ridden.
Don’t worry, though, the All American Rejects won't offend your parents.
JaRule
The Last Temptation DefJam/MurderiNC
wwwjyarule.net
JOANNE CLARK Arts & Entertainment Writer
Ja Rule's latest won't give you the impulse to change each song imme- diately after you start it—but when push comes to shove, you'll be hard pressed to find real enjoyment in The Last Temptation.
The album is acceptable, if meaning- less lyrics and songs without a definite tune are to your liking. The majority of rap’s standard flavour is evident, and the token themes of gang warfare are also represented. Chart-friendly tracks are familiar and sweet sounding, but as the CD progresses, we find more arid more reason to press the stop button.
If hardcore rap is your genre of choice, go ahead and listen. If not, don’t be afraid to keep that cash in your pocket for future tuition hikes.
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I'd certainly consider trading my sight for radar, and augmented touch. Hearing on the other hand... It’s
not that I wouldn’t enjoy listening in on how cute chicks think I am, or checking (through elevated pulse) if my sandwich artist has washed his/ her hands; it’s that I would have an acute sense of how truly bad this album is.
Every track is comprised of bad poetry set to distorted power chords played loud and fast, all to puzzle the listener enough to accept this stuff as “nod-worthy.” “But is this the Zeppelin Scion?” you might ask.
Ithought maybe Finger Eleven might be able to “raise the roof,” you know, ‘cause they're Canuckian and loud (which makes them suck a little less), but obviously my sense-of-suck could certainly use enhancement.
John Bonham (with his bluesy, well- crafted rhythms, fills, and ear-splitting ideals) is spinning in his grave.
Banality abounds; this is rock ’n roll flummery.
sugababes.. angels with dirty faces
Sugababes Angels with Dirty Faces Universal wwwsugababes.com
LEAH COLLINS
Associate News Editor
In the Rimmel London cosmetic ads that have been trawled across the air- waves, a be-derbied Kate Moss applies copious amounts of jaundice-yellow eye-gook while the “girl power” pop
y ithe Gatewa} diligently dov
ar. For all things ne
you have but fo point your browser to our lovely littl
, opinion-, ente
bombast of the Sugababes trumpets in the background.
The song is “Freak Like Me,” from Angels with Dirty Faces, the across- the-pond teenaged Sugababes second album. Featuring a sample from Gary Numan’s “Are Friends Electric?” the song has a rough, dirty-pop shadow that suggests a playfully menacing maturity for a teeny-bop record.
But “Freak Like Me” is an outsider on the album: an unexpected and unrepeated growth spurt on a record that could easily be replaced by any AllAtomicKittenStepsSaints mildly- R&B prefab featured on the cover of Hello magazine.
There’s some hint that these Babes want to feel more grown up, includ- ing “Shape,” a flat collaboration with Sting that leaves the girls neither adult nor contemporary. But with titles like “Virgin Sexy,” and excruciating text- messaging ebonics lyrics that rival “sk8r grrl” Avril Lavigne, Angels with Dirty Faces shows it’s underage.
an now be found online? It’s true. We've been
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ebsite, and experience the splendors of the fine, fine Webbernet.
KATIE TWEEDIE PLUCKIN’ BASSIST The Krazy 8s lay it down at their CD release party.
THE GATEWAY >
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LEARNING
2) ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
thursday, 13 february, 20038
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SHERBROOKE °
A startling look at the slums of Rio de Janeiro
City of God
Directed by Katia Lund and Femando Meirelles
Starring Matheus Nachtergaele, SeuJorge, Leandro Firmino da Hora, and Philippe Haagensen
Garneau Theatre
Opens Friday, 14 February
KRIS BEREZANSKI Arts & Entertainment Writer
A gritty look at life in Rio’s slums makes for one of the best films of the year. Cidade de Deus, translated as City of God, looks at three decades in a notorious favela (slum) outside Rio de Janeiro. It’s a startling film that shows how little life can change
* for those who grow up among the
damned. Directed by Katia Lund and Fernando Meirelles, City of God is a
| shocking and emotional look at the
gritty reality that permeates South America.
While it’s been compared to Scarface and GoodFellas, City of God takes both violence and filmmaking to a new extreme. However, it’s much more exciting because it demonstrates how effective the gangster element can be when children are the gangsters. When a filmmaker is willing to show a nine-year-old killing another nine- year-old, you know he/she is willing to push the boundaries set by those who came before. Lund and Meirelles use the tension of these moments to propel the film, forcing the audience's attention to the screen.
The narrative begins in the late ’60s with three teens who have chosen the lives of drug dealers and racketeers. They want to break big, and plan to rob a local motel; one of them brings along his brother Lil’ Dice. In a bril-
= eC
SHOCKING REALITY Child gangsters abound the streets of Rio in City of God.
liantly shot scene, the intruders break in to several rooms, in each one find- ing surprised couples having sex; they subsequently steal the copulating cou- ples’ various possessions. Lil’ Dice goes missing as the cops burst onto the scene, but his first taste of the gangster life has crystallized his decision. He's found his calling.
The rest of the film shows Lil’ Dice and his transformation into Lil’ Ze as he rises from child murderer to a teen who controls all of the Cidade de Deus. With his friend Bene, he directs the drugs and weapons the slum depends on so desperately. What starts as small beans in childhood becomes full-scale gang war by the time Ze is 20.
Rocket, the narrator of the story, was a childhood peer of Ze, but escaped the gang life, instead turning to pho- tography. Rocket is the one figure who
can move freely throughout the slums : without having to worry about being | killed. He binds the story together by [7 telling stories of key figures in the Cidade, looking back at the experience while reflecting on the vicious cycle 7 that controls the favelas.
The connection between characters is portrayed flawlessly, which may be due to Lund and Meirelles’ zest for improvisation and freedom for the actors. City of God draws the audi- ence in immediately and is perhaps |
one of the best films since The Royal Tenenbaums and Amélie. Sadly, City of God was not recognized with an 4 Academy Award nomination for Best F Foreign Film. A gritty film straight from the streets of hell, City of God shows little hope J for those destined to end where they f began.
A Simpsons fan laments
ALEX KONYE
Merriment Pariah
My story is not unlike that of a junkie who's hit rock bottom; to be technical, it starts back in the fall of 1989 when photons and pressure waves from the TV (carrying with them, the first epi- sode of The Simpsons) impinged on my retina and tympanic membrane respectively.
My circle of friends and I enjoyed the show from “apricot one.” It formed the basis for our collective inchoate sense of humour, and fostered learn- ing of obscure trivia (for example, repeated references to Jai Alai and Ziggy comics, words like Kwijibo and Crumulent, and Mendachem Begin jokes). We learned that careful use of satire, not Sartre, would help us diffuse touch-and-go disagreements with gangs of robust antagonists at the bar. We thought we were lower-order gods—along the lines of Pan the Goat. Ah, my halcyon days... how I thought they would endure.
My great fall has a lot to do with syn-
dication: It’s too damn easy to find the show, in very desirable time slots, on the big networks (Americo-Canuckian cooperation at its most devilish), or on cable comedy and/or cartoon net- works. A lot to do with all that... and my obsessive-compulsive nature. Theres a huge window of Simbrilliance that I feel needs to be committed to memory in case the video record gets de-magnetized, or we expe- rience the cold hand of technological atavism, choosing leopard skins and drums over Western quasi-perfection.
Laughter, like amateur bowling or mini-golf,
is one of the great levelers.
And there’s a ton of episodic minu- tia to catalogue: starting in the Conan Era, running up to the Bill Oakley /Josh Weinstein years, with a smat- tering of genius-calibre episodes from Swartzwelder, Vitti, and creator Matt Groening. The problem is that my former friends did not want to share this Brobdingnagian task and some of the unintended side effects.
The crux of the matter—the thing that caused this great schism—is asyn-
‘times—that you know quite well. Let
chronous laughter. It has nothing to do with intelligence (“getting” cer- | tain jokes), or me being the con- summate trainspotter. Rather, it stems [ from my insistence on reciting the dialogue before the scene plays out. | People don’t particularly enjoy it when | you talk during the show—that’s what | commercials are for—but my ex | friends didn’t seem to mind; their chief concern was the laughing. Laughter, like amateur bowling or mini-golf, is one of the great levelers. | Kings and paupers alike can share in a satisfying guffaw when Chevy Chase falls over an ottoman. Its inclusive nature is the key, and when someone laughs outside the fellowship, it puts the others ill at ease (think of poorly timed laughter as the One Ring; look what that did to a certain association of men, dwarves, elves, and hobbits). The next time you're at the Underdog on a Sunday night, try it for yourself. There’s no doubt there’s a line—hav- ing seen that episode a dozen or so
the automation kick in and laugh like mad before the joke comes. You'll get at least one astonished look.
Do it enough times and your cotéri¢ will label you a “merriment pariah” leaving you with nothing but eidetic memories of primetime cartoons: track marks of an unhealthy obsession.
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2) COMICS
BLACKOUT by ¢ &J
thursday, 13 february, 2003
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YOU TOTALLY CAN'T SEE IT FROM SPACE a
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BULGAROCTONUS (BASIL THE BULGAR-SLAYER) by Raymond Biesinger UM just MATING Tue
Whiar's Goin IDEA OF NEEDING : ON, MISTER R\ To come v? With + LEAST youre wAN TH E Fo0T-MAN A fe ae AT ONE Yo , LiKe ys BIRD? WB take £) Scat oF THE 14000 gmt HAp To LEAD 99 “\cep-crea™. BF worpr over WE Cp FooT-meN THAT spidey Cy stuess ons ese v NOTHING .. SuMMyge, IT © THE BYZANTINE EMPIRE AY BA aoa MAKES ME Poo, IN 104. 99/190 OF py PANTS EVERY TIME. TEM HAD BOTH EY &S PLYCKED OUT, AND THE Yioo HAD one EYE PLvtkKeP hilocy Spee aE Oana RIGHT ovT. MéGRAW- HILL COLLEGE | 1999, @.239 (
SLUTSKY & HICKS by Matt Robertson & Chris Auton
HEY SLUTSKY, ng WHAT WERE THOSE al | =: PROBABLY “Too THAT'S IT...
DID YoU SEE OUR i ate! ( mmonll CARTOONISTS THINKING BUSY MASTURBATING HUNT IT...
Comic IN LAST By & | Fe ay EIR ¥ To A Tom ciancy| KS HUNT Ir 2, ~ No... THINK i FW,
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els
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Electric Popsicle Shooters
A service of Your Students’ Union for U of A students, staff, alumni and their guests 1)
—_—’
THE GATEWAY + volume XCIt number 34
ot
Comics 92
CARCINOMA by Lloyd “Tool” Majeau
REALLY? COOL! HOW HT Ou... OKAY. WHAT IF
NO KIDDING... OKAY THEN, WHAT DO YOU
HEY. I NOTLCED
TODAY AND I WAS WONDERING...
YoU IN MY CLASS ]] LIKE 70, Y'KNOW, GO OUT... OR, LIKE, UH SOMETHING,
Tf... UHH... LF YOUD ABouT WE GO OUT ?
FOR SOME COFFEE?
WE WERE TO GO OUT | DANCING?
ACTUALLY,
LIKE TO do?
pizza's here get Bobby
WHEN THE BOUGH BREAKS by Eric Uhlich
that crazy Weman is
, Starin “ ot me. .
*
COMPUTER BLUES by Kevin “I Wish | Were a Monkey Boy” Ng
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| La)
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WAL3Y's ComMix PReseNn TS:
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DEATHWORLD by Rudi Gunther
WITH THAT FUNNY GUY,
MATT BLASTER
DEATH WORLD THE DgoiDS TM at the movin
WHAT THE FUCK DO LIKE HELL ASSFACE * KLINGON ASS?
MEAN THESE AREN’T
TAR TREK
THE TERMINATOR
DID COME BACK
LIENS
24 CLASSIFIEDS
thursday, 13 february, 2003
CLASSIFIEDS
To place aclassified ad, please call Information Services at 492-4212
FOR RENT
Parking space in unfinished double detached garage. Plug in available, 5 minute walk to campus. $150 until end of April. Call Abby 989-2079.
Room available for female non smoker, no pets, 5 min walk to Uof A $400] month plus shared utlities call Abby 989-2079
Female roommate wanted. 10 minute walk from U of A. All apliances. No smoking. No pets. $280 per month. 989-1970.
FOR SALE
Yamaha tenor saxophone in excellent shape. Just cleaned—asking $950 obo. Call Simone at 487-1860.
WANTED 3 bedroom main floor house University area or 1 transit. Prefer possession in Sept. Call Lise 436-5735
SERVICES
Spanish Immersion in Mexico.1-4 weeks in hip coastal village near Puerto Vallarta. Tours & Accommodation arranged. 1-800-884-5669 wwwtalkadventures.com
Stay informed! Come out to the Alberta Public Interest Research Group (APIRG) Board of Directors election forum on 26 February from 12-1pm on the SUB Stage. Hear from the student candidates vying to represent you on the Board, decide for yourself and then come out and vote on March sth and 6th! For more information contact Erin Kelly at 436-0181.
Meditation, UofA Tue/Thurs 11:45 - 12:15 Call oda 437-0480 or lili@telusplanet.net
Prepping for MCAT ? Princeton Review courses offer the most materials, most class hours
HAPPY BOB KNOWS
Campus events and more...
The Alberta Committee of Citizens with Disabilities (ACCD) and the U of A Panda and Golden Bears present ACCD’s 7th Annual All-star Hockey Fun-Raiser on Sunday, 16 February, 2003 at 7pm (doors open at 6pm) in the Clare Drake Arena on the U of A campus. Tickets are avail- able at the door: $8 single or $32 family. Come watch the U of A Pandas as they help the Edmonton Oilers and Edmonton Eskimos Alumni battle it out on the ice. That's right, football players on ice! At this fun-filled event you will also enjoy fabu- lous door prizes, a puck-pull ($3 child, and $5 adult) with guaranteed prizes, a chance to shoot on the goalie, a must bid silent auction, and free Gateway Lanes passes for all who attend. All the funds raised go towards the ACCD School Outreach, Community Development, and Public Education programs. For more. infor-
LISTEN UP, ALL YOU GAT
VOLUNTEERS
GENERAL STAFF Friday, 28 February, 2003 @ 5pm
Gateway Offices (3-04 SUB)
It’s really important that you try your!
there, because guess what. What?
It’s hiring season.
Woah!
and best results. All materials yours to keep! For more information, call 1-800-2REVIEW.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Cruise Line entry level onboard positions available, great benefits, seasonal or year round. 323-644-2102, cruisecareers.com
Coloniale Golf and Country Club is offering excellent opportunities forreliable,courteous, and self-motivated people for the following departments: Clubhouse, Servers, Short- Order Cooks, Bartenders, Banquet Staff, Pro Shop, Customer Service Agents, Backshop!/ Driving Range Supervisors, and Grounds Maintenance Staff. Competitive wages and free golf offered to successful applicants. Forward your resumé and posting you are applying for ASAP by mail to #10 Country Club Drive, Beaumont AB T4X 1M1 or by fax 929-2540.
Teach English in Korea. Earn $2500/month. 30 teaching hours Iweek. Call Shannon, 433-6713
RUGBY! The Clansmen Rugby Club are always looking for new members, both male and female. Noexperience required. Call 476-0268 or check www.clanrugby.com
EMPLOYMENT - FULL TIME
Regent Optical, PT sales, will train, apply with resumé 10546 82 Ave. Graduating? Go Teach English! Your degree is your passport to the world. Pay off loans, make a difference, build your resumé. Introductory TEFL workshops in Edmonton monthly. www.goteach.ca 1-866-912-4465
EMPLOYMENT - PART TIME
The City of Edmonton, Community Services, Neighbourhood Social and _ Recreation Services is currently recruiting for summer program positions for playgrounds,daycamps, youth programs, the Heritage Amphitheatre, and River Valley programs. We are looking for coordinators, leaders, junior leaders, wading pool supervisors, and skateboard park instuctors. The wages range from $7.50 to $19 depending on training, experience, and
mation, contact Tracie Matthiessen at 780-488-9088 ext 26.
The Aboriginal Law Students’ Association presents Aboriginal Legal Issues Week from 24-28 February, 2003 in the Law Centre. A series of free lectures runs daily at noon: Monday, Justice T Mandamin; Tuesday, Dr Brian Slattery; Wednesday, John D Whyte; Thursday, Harold Cardinal; Friday, Larry Chartrand. For more infor- mation, check out www.ualberta.ca/~alsal speakers.htm or e-mail Lana Poitras at alsa@ualberta.ca.
HBK is a service provided for Registered Student Groups and University Departments only. HBK is only printed in the Tuesday editions of the Gateway each week. HBK does not publish events that are weekly, on-going, ornot open to the public. Incomplete forms will not be submitted. Submissions will print for one issue only. Entry deadline is 3.0opm Fridays (submit your entry on the Friday before the issue you wish it to appear in). Submit to the Gateway Offices (3-04, third floor SUB) or fax to 492-6665.
specialized skills. Visit www.edmonton.ca or CAPS for more information on the positions, deadlines and how to reply.
VOLUNTEERS WANTED
WANTED: AFewGood Men. Big Sisters and Big Brothers needs male volunteers for evening group activities. Choose from our Monday Woodworking Group at NAIT, Tuesday Sports Group downtown, Wednesday Millwoods Group (wall climbing, floor hockey, cooking) or Bikes For Boys (bicycle maintenance and cycling). Call 424-8181.
Want to have some Fun? Be a Mentor. It’s about sharing time, not making time. Share a little time each week with a young person. You'll feel like a kid again! Call Big Sisters and Big Brothers at 424-8181 to volunteer in Edmonton, Parkland or Strathcona.
LOST & FOUND
Lost eyeglasses, ED N2 115, Feb 6 at 2PM. Contact andrewm@ualberta.ca
PERSONALS
Are you an atheist who is looking to meet other like-minded folks? Come visit us at wwwaatheistedmonton.com
Single? Tired of the bar scene? Free online personals: www.2singlepeople.com
THREE LINES FOR A TOONIE Hey J.R. Humped ur mom last night C.D.
Skip my love, if only you knew. If only you knew how much | think about us, together, in a park. If only we could get a way, hop on a plane, to nowhere. But alas, you like girls, and never our dinks shall twain. -Bippers
Even though my sweetie is very, very far away, I'd like to wish her a happy Valentine’s Day. She's the bestest. -iain..
SEVERAL LINES OF IAIN’S
MISCELLANEOUS DRIVEL
John ruffled his hair lightly, waiting for the light to turn. His breath warmed the cold interior of the car, fogging the windows with human moisture. The radio crackled to life.
doing well.
4 Gystet idmonton rransit System
If
Send ETS a Valentine message! You could win a Year of FREE transit on ETS and a Skybox (for you and 12 of your friends) for an Oilers home game in March. Tell us about your positive experiences on ETS, why you think public transit is important to you as a student or employee, why it is important to the community, or what you think transit is
AYO
TONIGHT?
edmontonsn' FIND CLUBS, RESTAURANTS. CHAT & MORE
the Bus!
ETS Valentine Contest
Do you LOVE transit? Tell us how much!
Contest deadline: February 18, 2003 Send us an email at:
etsfeedback@edmonton.ca, subject line: LOVE the bus!
Entries:
must be text only, 150 words or less
must NOT contain attachments
must include full name and daytime phone number
Winner will be selected by a volunteer jury of ETS, Gateway and CjSR judges.
Yep, that’s right. We need to elect to sit on hiring committees that will year’s Editor-In-Chief and Editoral St exactly what we'll do at this meeting. 5 be there, right? Wicked! Darned right.
THE GA
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